Quote from Richardrahl: "I fought for a lot of my life and I have many scars; the physical scars I wear as a reminder to show me I am strong and I can heal, but the mental scars are what scare me, I cant see them I dont know how deep they cut and Im at point now where I dont even have a point of reference anymore. I continue to alienate those around me even when they offer support. closing all the doors and windows and throwing myself into nothing but work."

Sounds familiar and it does have to do with your past. Oh I know it seems like a lifetime ago but it is more a part of you than you think. You are what you know and from what you are describing about your past, look at what you learned and what you never got. And you are pretty much mimicing your comfort zone or what you know, survival of providing. That is pretty much what was required of you when you were young. You pretty much learned survival without love and even true appreciation. And no wonder why you want to even destroy whatever success you have, think about it, I pretty much called it, it brings a sense of entrapment that goes all the way back. And to be honest, no matter who comes into your life, YOU WILL NOT KNOW HOW TO RECEIVE. And you unconsciously don't feel worthy.

From the depths of me I AM TRUELY SORRY. YOU DID NOT DESERVE WHAT YOU LIVED THROUGH AND IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. How can you possibly expect to know how to relate to people WHEN YOU NEVER LEARNED IT? Not in the way you should have learned it. When did you ever truely experience trust, appreciation, safety and love, and even a sense of childhood happiness? Richard, you never learned it, how can you expect to understand or be anything you have never learned to be? And you have hinted that somehow, even though you did so much, you are astranged and perhaps blamed for somehow not providing those things to the ones you HAD to provide for. Something has been expected of you that you simply never learned or truely had, and one of those people who seems to expect it is yourself and yet, you can't even know how to fulfill that either. THAT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. And you are even hating yourself for it. That is just not being fair to yourself. And ofcourse you always seem to know what happens because you never learned how to see any kind of giving loving relationship in any form last beyond some initial promise.

You have looked at boats but never experienced being in one or taking it on a journey, you have seen pictures but never taken one or held a camera, you have seen people run and play on the beach but you have never done it, you have seen families walk the streets and dine out but you were never in one that did that, you never felt it, you never actually did it. You may have had sex but never made love.
You have basically stood outside life and never truly been in it. And the thought of being in it scares you so much that you damage every chance to truely participate.
And somehow you don't believe you deserve it. NONE OF THAT IS YOUR FAULT.

We do not have the same past but we are similar. Every time I smiled I was chased with unhappiness. Every time I wanted to be safe, I somehow failed to be safe. ( I was good at hiding) And I could very easily say, I might as well give up because I have been disappointed so many times I dont even know where to look anymore. We may have different ghosts, but we both have ghosts. And one thing I can see that we have in common is that we have somehow sacrificed ourselves for the benefit of others. And even then we were not appreciated. Everyone around me had issues too, and I lived my life around all of them. I understand it when you say, nothing surprises you anymore, nothing is new and fresh.

And the one thing we have in common is that neither of us knows how to correct it.
But it doesn't mean we cant learn and we are definitely not alone. And at 33 you are still young enough to learn and it isn't going to be easy. You have a lot of issues that are hard wired into you and you are truely not totally aware of how much. ( I wasn't either)

And you know what? You do have a gift, you are a good provider, you have learned how to survive and that is your comfort zone. I have learned how to give and give up and survive too, and that is what my comfort zone was. Until I broke and put my foot down, now I am somewhat ostrasized and ill. I will be deemed better if I can get up and fight my way back to giving in again to others. Or somehow able to rebuild that brick wall that kept the ghosts from the past from invading my everyday life.

The new and the fresh is in the learning how to finally address those ghosts. And depending on how many a person has and how long they have been surpressed, it is going to take time. I have been working on it for about a year now, but mostly the past four months. And I have addressed it in a lot of different ways. And I get to a point where I think I am getting stonger and something happens and I tumble. Like what happened with the doctor and dealing with my attorney and other areas that are pushing me and I am not strong enough to fight back, and I don't really know how to do that yet. I am still working on it. And it is not in my comfort zone at all.

Basically I would have to say that the barrier of my proverbial door was smashed down and I have all these ghosts barging in my room and I am not sure how to handle it all at once. And I am the only one that can truely see and feel them and they hurt. And they are very embarrassing too. And even though they are not my fault I still have to learn how to deal with them and they do tire me out. ( and I had no idea I had not really dealt with them)

But I am working at it one day at a time and that is the best I can do. That is pretty much what your going to have to do too. You most likely have PTSD too only you don't know it. I have had it for a long time, I didn't know it until my door was smashed down. And then the ghosts started to intude into my life in flashbacks. And I had to learn what it meant and why.

Richard, you CAN learn and there CAN BE SOMETHING FRESH.
But it is going to take time to KNOW SOMETHING DIFFERENT THAN WHAT YOU KNOW NOW.

All I can say is, that whatever was there a life time ago is still there today, you just don't always consciously know it. But unconsciously you live around it and have comfort zones you don't quite understand and things you avoid that you don't understand either. And your not going to let something in that you never learned how to have or do or accept either. Others didn't allow you to have it when you were young, that is what you know, so you devise ways to not let yourself have it either. That is what you know. But only you can change that, and you have to learn it, and it can be difficult, but not impossible.

Open Eyes