I hate this. Without going into too much detail, I'm getting fed up with taking care of people and myself and trying to live like a normal teenager, such as having and maintaining friendships. I love my family, and I would gladly lay my life on the line to improve theirs, but I am so. fed. up. I am so angry I could cry, or so sad I could scream and throw a hissy fit. I'm not sure which.

My GP told me to see a counselor, but I don't want to. What if I'm diagnosed with something? I already have an idea of what I'd be diagnosed with, and I don't want it. Forget that. What if I have to be on pills for the rest of my life? I am not taking those pills. I refuse. There's nothing anyone could ever do for me. I'm just doomed to be this way.

For the past few days, I've been waking up at six every day like clockwork; regardless of what time I went to bed. I can feel my mood lowering, and I can feel the lightning and thunder in my head. I'm starting to hear voices at night, other than my own. And they fade in and out of realism. I'm also losing track of time. I looked at the scars on my arm and wondered why they hadn't faded completely yet after what felt like a month, and then I realized that they hadn't faded because I just cut myself a week ago out of intense anger. I was doing so well until two days ago. I was happy, vibrant, maybe a little more prone to irritability, but not sick. I was perfect...and now I'm not.

I'm just so confused as to how much of what I'm experiencing is a real illness, how much is just normal mood fluctuation, and how much is all in my head. Am I driving my brain nuts, or is my brain driving me nuts? What is going on?

Anyway, this wasn't really meant to be anything, just a form of "therapy" for me. I really needed to vent. I'm not suicidal or anything yet, but I'm just frustrated, angry, and maybe a little scared.