((((((Bluelake)))))) Oh I can so relate to what you are saying. It sounds like T2 has a better program for you. It sounds like T 1 is constantly asking you to go back and be retraumatized. It has to be done really carefully, the point is not to force you to remember things so they can pop up in front of you in flashbacks.

Have the flashbacks gotten worse since T1 has been asking you to revisit and remember?

Has either therapist discussed EMDR with you? I havent tried it yet myself but I have heard it really helps. I am going to be doing it soon.

One of the things about past trauma's is that your brain never really got a chance to process it like a normal memory and these traumas have emotions that are locked within them. That is basically why we often get the flashbacks, they can be brought on by feeling the emotions that are similar to the events that traumatized you.

Within each flashback is a message that you never got to process. So when you have them let yourself think about everything in them, sounds, emotions and try to think about what is bringing them on. And a lot of times stress can bring them on so you have to work on your stess levels.

I understand the anger at having this and that feeling of being trapped in your own mind. And I can totally relate to others just don't understand and cannot seem to help. But you know what? I think they can help by just being supportive and not telling you how to just get over something they have no experience with.

And if your boyfriend is a psychatrist he should learn to understand it. But I know that just not wanting to go out and wanting to hibernate feeling.

Do you get any relief in work, after you get there and the stess of getting there is over and you are just in your working spot so to speak?

Most tramatic events revolve around heightened feelings and fears and emotions. If you can figure out what brings your flashbacks and even the unsettled feelings on you may be better at learning how to ward them off. And it sounds to me like therapist 1 is not doing a very good job. It is not about retraumatizing you, it is about figuring out how your past disrupts today and how to finally be able to just put it into a memory. It is not happening now, it is only usually brought up by stress and uncomfortable situations or even feelings of uncertainty or having to do something your not comfortable with. And when you recall the past through flashbacks, that is what they mean.

Next time it happens don't be afraid, I know it is hard but look at everything for messages, sounds, movements emotions. Then afterwards think about it and what it was saying, it is usually a big question that happens because it was an event that was something urgent or made you feel unsafe or confused or even panick. That is what your having difficulty putting into just a memory.

For example one of the key things in many of my flashbacks was doors. I ran through them, and hid behind them very frightened. I had no idea the the sound of a door had a really bad emotional memory of fear and anxiety. The sound of doors that catch me offguard still bother me but now I know why and I get over it. I still jump and it does make me angry but at least I know what it is.

Also think about EMDR treatment, it is supposed to work but it does take time and you will feel tired.

Just know your not alone, I have the same frustrated feelings. I am working on it too.

Open Eyes