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I seriously don't even know how to cope right now. I'm feeling incredibly impulsive & anxious & unable to really process anything correctly. Like I'm crawling out of my skin but I can't break free. I feel trapped by myself & cognitively oppressed by my confinement. God, it's just so ****ing annoying...
Over the past 3 weeks, this feeling just keeps coming back. It keeps surprising me. I try to get one simple task done & it's like my motivation goes into overdrive to a point where I no longer control where my mind goes. It's seriously becoming such a problem.
I know, like at the beginning of the episode, I'll never want to give up the feeling for anything. The feeling of being productive & like I can do anything in the world. But only when I fly up this far that I feel like I am simultaneously plunging do I realize how totally unproductive this is. It's just so infuriating...
Why can't I just be my normal self that could actually get **** done? ****. I just needed to type this all & get this out because I just need to ****ing express this inexplicable inner tension before it bursts in a self-destructive fashion. I can't get emergency treatment & it's 3 hours minimum before my boyfriend comes home & I seriously can't sleep. I've tried!!
Anyway, just... Ignore this. I just needed to post it, I suppose. I'm just so tired of feeling so much at one time & not being able to explain it or do anything with it! My frustration is through the roof right now & my energy level is untameable. & It doesn't help that, on top of it, my pain level is so ridiculously high. I can't take NSAIDs anymore because I've had such a high level of them in my system for years that they are starting to make me dizzy & give me chest pains. :/
BLAH.
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