When all else fails, breathe.

I wonder if you wanted to call yourself "notspecial" as a way to punish yourself, put yourself down? To me it really means that you are like so many others, nothing special, just another pretty daisy in a field of pretty daisies.

"I am special", on the other hand, reminds me of what parents tell children, especially mediocre children, struggling children: "you are special", because they, the parents, can't handle their child being average, and of course to please them, the poor kid repeats, and makes self believe "I am special". What does it really mean? *shrug*

It's all a matter of perspective.

I am sorry you are having such a hard time, though. If this test is causing you so much distress, maybe you need to put that test away and allow yourself NOT to do it, no matter how much she wants you to do. I find that when I try to press myself really hard to do something it can becom impossible to do, no matter how simple task it might have appeared to an outsider. It starts with the initial slight resistance, shying away from some emotional pain usually. The more I try to "make" myself do it, the more resistance grows. (example: I had bought a waterproof camera, that flooded and broke first time I took it out. It should be simple to call in warranty, but something, I didn't even understand what, stopped me. The longer I told myself I must do it, the bigger the wall of resistance grew. It finally become just impossible. I gave it up. After I gave it up I undestood that it was symbol of something bigger I was not reconciling with)