Hello. I know that I need to start seeing a therapist, because I know that I've been getting worse. I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression when I was around the age of 16. Since then I have only been to see one therapist, and only had 2 visits. I feel like I might be bi-polar, because my moods are all over the place. I get stuck in these awful depressions that last for weeks. I think of suicide sometimes, and I wonder if my existence was a mistake. I wonder if everything that has happened to me is God's way of saying, just end it already. Like God is really pushing me to my limit so that I kill myself, because I was never meant to be, or something...and I don't even follow an organized religion. So I really don't think I'd ever kill myself because I'm too much of a coward, brought up christian so I'm convinced that I'd go to hell. Then I have days where I feel like I'm on top of the world, nothing can touch me. I get so angry sometimes. I can literally feel the anger boiling beneath every inch of my skin, taking me over. I forget things sometimes, or someone will say something to me and it just won't register. I count steps as I walk up them, and I can't stand people (mostly men) getting too close to me. I don't like being touched by men I don't know...even if it's just a friendly pat on the back.
Sometimes I avoid social situations because I'm afraid of people looking at me too closely. I always feel that people are looking at me and thinking I'm stupid and ugly. Useless. I was never afraid of anything, and now it seems that most of the time I'm afraid of everything. Sometimes I feel like I'm not real. I feel like I'm fading, like I'm in and out of myself. I never liked the idea of being "labeled" by a "specialist", but now I think it might comfort me to know. Does that make any sense?