Gee Bluelake, I have a lot of layers as well and I was never told EMDR wouldn't work.

Well at least you can get to a spot where you can work and focus. I know what you mean about wanting to just give in and sleep. That is the depression that comes with PTSD. I struggle with that too. Are you on medications for depression? I am not on anything yet, I don't know what to try, what I have tried hasn't helped and it has been a while. But like you, I have that desire to just sleep.

You must have had something trigger all of this. Isn't it awful how somehow it just comes out and you never realized that it was storred that way? Oh I hate it, I feel so betrayed and angry that I thought I got through my past and it just somehow got storred and comes out with stress.

Well, I don't know what to say about T1 because it is important for you to know the whys. You have to consciously become aware of your past and mostly the unresolved emotions that are attached to your past. Especially that strong urge to run. That is the strong fright and flight response that rules over our past. And it is hard to work through when a flashback happens. But that is why you have to pay attention to what is in the flashback and what it means. That is what I figured out.

Things happened to you in your past and there was a beginning and you never knew how to deal with it, me too. So you invented your own ways of dealing with it, so did I and much of that was sort of just either running physically or in your mind. I did both. And one of the things I did do was use the anxiety and anger in creative ways or busy ways. It is like I tried to somehow burn it off in a way. But I didn't know that I didn't really deal with it.

It is hard when you have layers because that means you have a sort of built in response system that you slowly built up over the years. So it can be like an onion of painful layers and it is exhausting to deal with or think about it. The exhaustion often comes from the anger and resentment that it is there and that sense of guilt and frustration that is there too. And your right, no one gets it, no one understands that it is not a simple fix and you cant just think it away or simply put it behind you.
And the anger is there because your pissed to find out that while you thought you did that you didn't and now your not sure how to do that. And there is a depth to you that somehow separates you from others, something you want to protect and even hide, something that you feel is damaged and may cause others to not accept you as just another normal person.

But there is a way and it does take time. And when there are layers, it IS hard.
I can sympathize on that one. And you literally have to SLOWLY peel the onion and consciously become aware of not just the memories but the emotions and sense of confusion and urgency that came with them. So, when a flashback happens? Even though you are trapped in that flashback just look at it like a case and you are looking at the evidence, each flashback is a discovery. There are things in that memory that come together and show details that created the emotions that are the residue that plagues your daily life. Each event or memory has a trigger emotion, something within that memory that created a feeling of fear and confusion or desire to run or escape or some hightened emotion.

That is really what flashbacks are, they are events that are trapped records of emotions that were very strong and never resolved or dealt with. A case that never got tried. The evidence are pictures that provoke feelings that are disturbing so we often surpress that evidence. But what we don't realize is that even though we are adults and our brains have grown and obtained skills and knowlege and abilities, there are emotions that never got resolved that are trapped.

So basically the whole point of slowly peeling away the layers is not to just look at the horrible pictures and get all upset again. The whole purpose is to identify the emotions within those layers and, with a fully developed brain, finally deal with these emotions.

So you can actually use what you do as a way to deal with the evidence and in your mind, try the case. You were a victim and that victim got hurt and that victim did not understand how to deal with the event. We have the evidence in front of us, we have the end result, but we must realize the victim did not see it coming nor did the victim have the end result or even the whys. It was not the victims fault, but, the victim is now left with all the emotions storred in that event and the incredible shame of the event. And whenever the victim sees or hears certain things, it reminds her of the event. So what are the things that are the emotional evidence that tells us something bad took place. That is what you have to find and resolve.

That is why you are very tired. The flashbacks and emotions that are hanging in wait of discovery and resolve are simply just that, hanging and waiting. You have to find the emotions and finally address them and put them to rest, hense rest each case. You have to be willing to kind of step outside yourself, perhaps as an attorney, and take the victim and be willing to look at that victim's history (objectively) and without blaming the victim, address the emotions. As a grown intelligent person, you must remind the VICTIM THAT SHE IS NOT GUILTY OF ANY CRIME.

It is going to take time for you to do this, but you CAN do it. You just have to understand WHAT you are really doing. You cannot change the events, but you can settle the EMOTIONS THAT ARE TRAPPED AND UNRESOLVED IN THOSE EVENTS. And that is where therapists often make the mistake of asking a patient to remember.
It is not the event that you are trying to erase, yes, it happened. But what the real crime is, is the trapped emotions that never got dealt with. And yes, there is an inner shame that these events took place. But the truth is, they are OVER, what is left is the series of unresolved emotions within each event.

Also, in your life from now on is going to be a question of are you going to survive and make your way in life? Your past has stored doubt and fear and it does effect how you look at life now.
Bluelake, no one can ever answer what the future has to hold. And if we suffered in our past from things we never saw coming or even a force of negetive reinforcements, for example being told we were never good enough etc. We end up with added doubts and fears. So, there is a fear of something bad from our past reoccuring. But that is all normal, every person has fears and doubts. So, you have to face the emotions of your past and find a way to live each day, one day at a time and life is just going to happen, it is that way for everyone. You just have to decide that you are going to take out of life what ever you can and though you have no crystal ball you are just going to live it one day at a time and do you best. You are just finding inner peace, settling old cases and learning from them, to solve new cases as they present themselves.

It is not an easy task and it can be confusing to do. It has to have a purpose of a conscious effort to see all the things within that memory or event or flashback that were really trapped, the emotions have to be addressed Bluelake. We can never take away the past events in our lives. But we can work at calming the emotions that resulted and finally say, it is over now, it is done, you survived it and you just didn't understand it and nothing was your fault, you did the best you could. I see it now and I see how it felt, but it is over and I know better now. It takes time.

Hope that helps, I am trying too.

Open Eyes