((((((Open Eyes))))) WOW!!!! You are competely on point with how I feel. Thanks for taking the time to respond. Your ideas are very helpful. Especially the case idea. Trying to dymystify it may take some of the emotion out of it because it is more like a job, a treasure hunt, but instead of searching for treasure, Im searching for memories-like a quest. And I'm so pissed that I have this that I will want to find the offending memory.

You must have had something trigger all of this.Yes: several things

And one of the things I did do was use the anxiety and anger in creative ways or busy ways. It is like I tried to somehow burn it off in a way. But I didn't know that I didn't really deal with it. That is EXACTLY what I did/do

And there is a depth to you that somehow separates you from others, something you want to protect and even hide, something that you feel is damaged and may cause others to not accept you as just another normal person. You are spot on

Even though you are trapped in that flashback just look at it like a case and you are looking at the evidence, each flashback is a discovery. There are things in that memory that come together and show details that created the emotions that are the residue that plagues your daily life. Each event or memory has a trigger emotion, something within that memory that created a feeling of fear and confusion or desire to run or escape or some hightened emotion. That makes sense.

So you can actually use what you do as a way to deal with the evidence and in your mind, try the case. So you can actually use what you do as a way to deal with the evidence and in your mind, try the case. I will try that

(((j1965)))) Maybe I will talk to T2 about EMDR bc even though there are layers upon layers, maybe I can focus on ONE. I mean I have to start somewhere.