These things are so complex.

I just want to throw out there that I do not think what I did was right in any way at all. I still feel terrible about it. I'm not trying to justify that behavior at all. However, there must have been something going through my head that made me think it was okay, and I'm trying to get to that. There were a lot of reasons for what happened. The shaky ground our relationship was on to begin with was one of those reasons, not that it's a good reason, or that it even makes much sense (obviously, cheating wasn't going to fix our relationship, nor was it a good way to get out of it), but I think it was one of the reasons. Maybe reason is a bad word. Maybe factor would be a better word. Our relationship issues were a factor in what happened. One of many.

I am quite torn about where I should be standing with his behavior. I believe he genuinely wants things to be better. I genuinely want things to be better. I want him to be able to accept my apologies, I want to help him heal from the pain I caused. But, and especially in this limbo we're in right now (we're still on a "break" and he says he will come back if I tell him to, so basically he's left it up to me), I don't want to let the part he plays in our turmoil just fall through the cracks. If we're going to get back together, I have to have an idea that these issues will be resolved. I can't do that without being forward with him and asking him difficult questions directly. I have to know whether we are going to be able to make it work before I tell him, yes, come back. If I'm going to put this much work into fixing our relationship, I need to be sure. I need to know that our issues are resolvable. So, I am trying to find this balance between remorse and humility and strength and assertiveness and it's proving very difficult. Because even though I know I hurt him and made him very angry and feel very remorseful about that, it doesn't mean he doesn't make me mad and hurt me still.