I am glad that I helped you look at it better Bluelake. Just keep in mind that no one is pristine, everyone has skeletons in their closets so to speak.

Just remember something. You made it to the point that you got an education and you are working and functioning. Even though there are layers of things in your past that may seem to creep in as a feeling of personal ruin, it just isnt true.

And the most important thing to always remember is that no matter what is there you are at the point where you can look back and see the end result, and that is something that you did not have when things took place, no matter what they were.
When ever you return to an event you are going to have the benefit of knowing everything and you may even feel like you should have known better or should have been smarter or you may blame yourself in some way. But you have to understand that no matter what it was, you just truely didn't have the knowledge that you have now. And j1965 is right, you have to do it slowly so you can sort out the emotions that took place then and how you feel about it now. And one of the emotions that you are going to have is anger. And you have every right to have that emotion BUT, you cannot let anger get the best of you and become a major power source. You do let it out and express it, but you cannot let it get out of control.

Are you angry that you have this? Yes, and you know what, so am I. And it is a personal battle that no one is going to understand unless they experience it themselves. And as you begin to address your past a lot of raw emotions are going to be extra sensitive and just beneath the surface waiting to be expressed. It is almost like a line that is waiting patiently to slowly file out of you and finally be addressed. And it can seem overwhelming and never ending and such a burden.

But you have to keep in mind that you did burry it and held it in, without truely realizing it. And that is why your tired and you don't really feel like going out. Your not really ready to express or feel happiness and on some level you know it. The brain cannot produce happiness if it is blocked with anger and fear and saddness and anxiety. But that doesn't mean that you can't be happy. You just have to work on allowing the emotions that are trapped in the memories to come out slowly and in that process you will also see the various methods you used to try to conceal those emotions. And they are methods you never consciously realized you were doing.

You have to remind yourself that most likely your brain had no way of understanding how to deal with the emotions that took place when these events happened. You have never learned how to do that and it is normal that it feels uncomfortable and violating. And that is part of why you want to hide and not really be around other people in a normal social way. You can work around other people and manage your career, because that is not part of your past. You have skills now and you pretty much know the outcome of performing those skills and that is comforting.

The one thing that doesn't fit right now is intimate social trust, that is something you never truely learned. And at this point, that is unpredictable to you so just the thought of doing it leads to feeling tired and it is almost like a wall or screen that comes up that you just cant seem to pull back. That is normal when you are doing a SELF DISCOVERY. Ah theres that word again, DISCOVERY. If you think about any case, that is where most of the time is taken up, THE DISCOVERY PROCESS, right?

I know you don't like having this to have to deal with, believe me I hate it too. But you have to make up your mind that the whole purpose is to slowly discover the hidden emotions that are trapped and what made that happen. And in a way you are the jury too. And the goal is that the end result is that YOU ARE FOUND NOT GUILTY. Because no matter what it is, no matter how many layers are there, YOU ARE SIMPLY NOT GUILTY, you NEVER KNEW THE END RESULT as you are going to view and remember now. AND YOU DID SURVIVE IT. You can never change what happened in your past, BUT, you can deal the emotions that are trapped there.

I hope that helps you look at it better and PLEASE try to be KIND TO YOURSELF.
You do deserve to have a good life and YOU DO HAVE SKILLS TO HAVE A LIFE.
Are things going to happen in your life that hurt and disappoint you? Yes, but you are going to learn how to deal with them better.

Just because you have a layered past that is difficult and is anything but perfect, no matter what is there, it is just the past, it is not what you are now. In some ways it is a part of who you were and it is always going to be a part of you. But it doesn't have to be in your future.

And you have taken some really important steps. You have educated yourself to be self sustaining. That is not what you had in your past. Though you may have doubts about being self sustaining at the moment, that will pass. We all have our insecurities and doubts and NONE OF US HAVE THE BENEFITS OF KNOWING ANY OUTCOME IN LIFE. But it is not the same as in your past, you have gotten to a point where you are closer to being self sustaining.

But your not really sure about self sustaining socially on a personal level. Well, some of that is normal and you past will cast some doubts on that. But by addressing the emotions that you surpressed you will learn to slowly master them on a different level. And the depression cycles that you feel are normal because you are just not sure what these emotions are going to do. The answer is they dont really DO anything, they are just attached to things you addressed in your past that somehow invaded you.

So don't be afraid of the flashbacks, they are events that contain emotions that you need to see so that you can stop and think about what is really there. What happens is that when something happens at the same time we touch things, see things, hear sounds, and see facial expressions that are all attached to the emotions of extreme stress or anxiety or fear. So any time we are reminded of that by hearing a sound or footsteps or whatever is there in that flashback we feel the emotions that are that big question that was never really answered.

When I was in that doctors office I was nervous and I didn't want to see the doctor that had given me a hard time and just didn't understand me and made me upset. And I even remember his look of anger, and that set me off, that is something big in my memory. All of a sudden I was presented by two men and I flashed back to another time when I was trapped in a shed with two boys. Of all the times I have been frightened in my life I never had that happen before. And believe me, I had all I could do but high tail it out of that office, I wanted to run. And that is how I felt in that shed. But now I remember and I also remember the fear and I was caught off guard, I was very little and scared. But that is how I felt in the doctors office and that is how it came out. But now I know that. I understand it, only the doctors don't know that and that part I hate. And as hard as it was I did get through both events. And I think I will have my therapist write a letter to the doctor explaining what happened, I don't know yet. But that is a social situation that I am uncomfortable with. I have to figure out how to address that.

But just know that your not alone and I understand what you mean. And yes it is a part of PTSD. But you can learn to let it out and deal with it. And Slowly gain the strenth you need to let some happiness come in too. But it takes time.

When you need to vent or just let out some aggrivation, this is a good place to come and hear, me too.

Open Eyes