i lost my god as my mental illness progressed. i attempted to use a 12 step program to restore me to sanity. i mean its right there in a step...came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity...in the how it works portion that is read at the beginning of meetings it talks about being at the gates of insanity or death..i was at both. i jumped in whole heartedly chosing god as my higher power and spent years and years and years practicing the principals of this program, waiting for the reward, my sanity. and i never got it. god had to hate me, why else would he punish me so and make me to suffer continually. after about 7 years i finally quit god. that was many many years ago. i obviously have god in my life still because i still carry that anger. im working on saying hello each morning as i drive past a church on my way to work. i figure i will come around on day.