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I have always been the type to leave them before they leave me so when my boyfriend wasn't interested in getting married and starting a family yet, I left. Not because he did anything wrong; just because I thought if he didn't feel the same way I did after almost 2 years, he never would. I moved 4 states away to be near family and went on the rebound seeking temporary comfort and sex.
I found all that with a former friend from my school days. I wasn't looking for anything serious. I just wanted an escape. I had other mental issues I was medicating with alcohol every night and sex was a much better outlet for me. I was on a self-destructive spiral & I didn't care.
I don't know why I was surprised when I got pregnant but I was. I was terrified. I never wanted to be with this guy long term, a couple months at best. I wanted to start a family but not with him. To top it off we had just called it quits the week before I found out I was pregnant. I called him up and we talked about it. We both freaked out & I told him even though we were broken up, I wanted him to come to my first ultrasound to see his child. After the ultrasound we talked about maybe getting married. I've always said I'd never get married JUST because I was pregnant but I guess it was the pregnancy hormones. I felt connected to him because I was blessed with a child and it must have been meant to be for it to be his. We got married a week later. I don't know why. I was terrified. I just wanted my child to have everything. I grew up without my parents and I didn't want my baby to feel abandoned like I did growing up.
Things took an even more stressful turn when I realized I didn't know this man at all like I thought I did. He had been lying to me the entire time. He fabricated his military, job history, and a little baby girl he said was his that he was fighting to see. He snuck & used all my credit and debit cards online while I was at work and he lied about trying to find work. He would also lie about where he was and who he was with. Everything was a lie. I felt so tricked and used. Eventually, I filled out and turned in enough applications for him to finally get a job. Unfortunately this only led to more problems, as he started "working overtime" after hours and on weekends. Still I was niieve. I was just greatful I wasn't still supporting us both, and I desperately wanted a family.
It wasn't until a week before I was due to have our son that I discovered that he had been cheating on me for months. He had accidentally dropped his phone in my car when he went to work and I went to my OB appointment. I text him afterward to let him know about the baby and heard his phone go off. I went in his phone to clear the notification from my text message and found messages to and from his girlfriend, Tiffany, telling her he loved her & he missed her. My chest felt like it was crushed. It hit me out of nowhere. I had never been cheated on before by anyone, and how could he? I was carrying his baby. I was a good wife, a hard worker, and a protective soon to be mother. I just didn't understand. I did everything for him. I had come to love him.
When I confronted him, he got angry with me. He gave a million excuses. He didn't know what I was talking about, there was nothing going on, it was none of my business. I didn't think it was possible but I was even more crushed from his lack of remorse. None the less, I had never been a door mat. I threw him out.
I invited him to come to the hospital for the birth of our son, because despite our situation, he still had a right to experience the special moment of seeing your first born child come into the world. I told him he could see the baby when ever he wanted and I was more than willing to work with him so he could be a part of his life. I hate to blame it on the hormones again but when I was in labor, I was so scared, and lonely, and heartbroken. I begged him not to leave me and he promised things would change. He came home from the hospital with us.
Not even 3 weeks after our son was born, I found a prepaid cell phone that he had hidden in one of his drawers. I was convinced it was happening again and I told him I would let him stay the weekend to spend time with his son and then he had to go. During that weekend when he was supposed to be spending time with his child, I caught him sending picture messages back and forth with another girlfriend. This was my breaking point. I had just seen full frontal nude pics on my husband’s phone and I was now seeing red. I have never been a violent person my I unloaded my rage all over him. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hear anything but my anger. I called his aunt and told her to come get my son because I was probably going to beat him until I went to jail. His family got there and helped me throw him out yet again. He was gone for a few weeks and not once did he call and ask about his son. He called to ask for his friend’s phone number since I took his phone back when he left but didn’t ask about either of us.
Up til then I had been angry with God for years. I blamed him for the things I went through as a child and the hard life I had. I wanted nothing to do with God but I started seeing signs. Every church sign I drove by was speaking directly to me. They weren’t your generic, pertains to everyone kind of thing. They were specific. So much so that I almost ran of the rode doing a double take at one of them. That same week, I heard a voice telling me, “You need to put your family back together.” I know you can persuade yourself things in your mind if you think hard enough but this was not me. I was done with Nick, period. It was hard for me, but I had made the break. Still I kept hearing this voice. I tried to push it to the back of my mind as well as the church signs. Like I said, I wanted nothing to do with God. Then later that week I came up to the same old railroad crossing I always went over. I’m kind of weird about railroads. I always come to a complete stop and look even if the bar is up and the lights aren’t flashing. But this time, I knew I was being childish but I told myself, “I’m not going to stop. I don’t care if the train hits me.” At that exact moment, that same voice said to me, ”We’ll see if you care” and the cars in front of me stopped and the bars started coming down as I was on the tracks. With traffic in the other lane across the track and no shoulder, I had nowhere to go. I was terrified watching the train get closer and looked back at my little boy sleeping. I was trying to think of what to do and after the longest 20 seconds of my life, the cars in front of me started to move forward and I was able to inch off the tracks. I pulled into the post office parking lot down the street and just cried. I called Nick in that parking lot and told him what happened. He told me he had been seeing strange things all week too and we agree to try to work things out.
Everything continued to be a rollercoaster. It never really stopped and 3 months after Christopher was born I got pregnant again, this time while on birth control. On top of that, Nick was a stay at home dad with our newborn, Christopher, who was very sick and on a lot of medication. Christopher never seemed to get better and he always had at least a week worth of extra formula & medicine left over at the end of every month. Every time I’d come home from work he was crying & screaming laying in a puddle with an exploded diaper while Nick sat nearby yelling at him while never looking away from his video game. I worked 55 hours a week on night shift as an emergency dispatcher and my mother was constantly in the hospital due to prescription drug over doses. I couldn’t handle all the stressors in my life. I held life and death in my hands every night, I had a junkie for a mother, I was married to a deadbeat that I was having women over to the house while I was at work and who hid an STD he contracted for 5 months during my pregnancy putting mine and my baby’s life in danger, and I couldn’t be home to make sure my little boy was taken care of like he should be. I put myself in a partial hospitalization program and had Nick find a job in the mean time. After the program was over I made the decision to quit my job and stay home with Christopher. All the stress was making me worry about my pregnancy and I didn’t want to jeopardize the health of the baby. So we went to making minimum wage part time but Christopher started getting better almost immediately. I traded one worry for another but it was worth it.
Things between Nick and I went back and forth as they always have. When our little girl was about 7 months old I got tired of finding the phone numbers and the not coming home til the early morning. I had been wanting to go back home to Illinois since Nick and I got married and I made a plan to stay in a shelter up there until I could get on my feet. I had a friend that was going to help me get a job quickly and watch the kids for me while I worked. So I left. I piled as much of the kids things as I could in my car and we headed out. On the way there we had a tire blow out on the interstate. There I was in the middle of Indiana on the side of the road at midnight with two screaming babies in the car. I called Nick to let him know because of the kids while I waited for the police to get there. I didn’t hear from him until about 18 hours later. Last he heard from us, we were stranded on the side of the road alone. Anyway we finally got to Illinois the next day and the shelter I planned to stay at, that I called before I left Alabama, and explained the situation to, turned me away. They said I had to have an IL driver’s license and I tried to get my IL driver’s license and they refused because I couldn’t prove residency. I told them it’s kind of hard to prove residency when you’re homeless. Still, I had nowhere to go and I had just driven 11 hours to get there. I broke down in the parking lot. My friend who was going to help me get a job was there and offered to let me stay with her for now. I didn’t want to mooch off my friends but I was having a hard time accepting that my kids and I were going to end up sleeping in my car in the Walmart parking lot otherwise. So I reluctantly agreed. A couple days later when my friend was at work and I was trying to find the silverware, I accidentally discovered her boyfriend’s drug stash. I was blown away. I never expected that and I loved my friend but I couldn’t let my kids be in that kind of environment, so yet again, I decided to go back to Nick. I was out of options and my brain just couldn’t process all the change. I went back with my guard up and just decided to tough it out til I could find my next opening.
As always things remained the same between Nick and I. Four months after I came back, I reconnected with an old friend from work. We had known each other for years and always had chemistry but we never brought it up to each other and I was a God fearing woman, and would have never acted on it. He was married too and marriage to me was a forever thing. Over the years though, I had lost faith in marriage. Nothing ever changed with Nick and my friend’s wife had just left him. We decided to hang out one night and all the sparks came together with one kiss, a kiss that had been two years waiting. I was overwhelmed by all those feelings being realized and because I was partially shocked that he felt the same way. I left that night without us ever talking about the kiss or how we felt. We talked the next day; I wanted to be loved but we wanted something different. Still I had felt passion for the first time in years. I wanted to be wanted for once. I wanted to be happy, even if it was only temporary. For the first times in all those years of being mistreated, walked on, abandoned, and cheated on, I was now the one living in sin. My friend and I started sleeping together and the only time I was ever happy anymore was when I was with him. All my worries melted away. I didn’t even care if I got caught. I wasn’t trying to be spiteful but so what if Nick got hurt for a change. He obviously didn’t care about me anyway. Soon enough it came to the point when I guess my “friend” got bored with me too and had been making excuses not to see me. I started feeling let down again. I knew he wasn’t interested in anything long term but he wasn’t even acting like a friend anymore, much less anything else.
A couple weeks later, a teenage pulled out in front of me where I didn’t have a stop sign and I hit her head on going 50mph, not wearing my seatbelt, with my kids in the back. I crushed several bones in my leg and ankle slamming on the brakes just before the impact. I couldn’t move, I was terrified my kids might have been injured, and I couldn’t get to them. I went into shock and had to be airlifted to the hospital. While I was waiting on the helicopter, wondering why I didn’t go through the windshield, the biggest thought in my head besides the safety of my kids was that this was punishment. God was punishing me for disobeying him and betraying my marriage. I couldn’t believe that I had been so selfish. My kids could have lost their mother and I yet again could not be there for them when they were scared. I couldn’t stand not being able to comfort them. Nick finally made it to the hospital later that night. He seemed genuinely concerned. The kids stayed with my mother and then my grandmother out of state for the next month while I recovered from multiple surgeries. For the first couple months after my accident, Nick was there for me. He took care of me. We were closer than we had ever been. It was such a dramatic change; I could hardly believe it. As soon as the kids came back, things changed again. Everything between the two of us started slowly going back to the way things were. I didn’t understand. How could he just stop caring? At the same time I thought to myself that I deserved this of course because of what I’d done regardless of if he knew about it or not. I was really trying to make things work, and I struggled for a long time about whether or not I should tell him about the affair. I finally decided, after seeking the advice of others on both sides of the same situation, that it was my burden to bear alone. The guilt was mine alone and it wouldn’t be fair to cause him more pain. A few more months passed and I was able to walk again. All of a sudden it was like a light switch flipped and Nick was treating me like dirt. It was like he was pushing me off a cliff and didn’t care. For the first time in years, I contemplated suicide. I slept for days, then stayed up for days. I felt worthless again and this time it was partially my fault. I finally got Nick to tell me why he was acting the way he was. He said he knew about the affair all along. I still don’t know why it took him 6 months to react to it but still, I literally couldn’t live like this much longer. I offered to tell him anything he wanted to know and he said he didn’t want to talk about it but that he knew the way he’d been treating me was wrong too.
And then the cycle resumed once again. He refused to talk about anything, ever, and I was starved for attention. I had come to the point though, where I decided I didn’t want to know if or when anything was going on. I just couldn’t handle the constant pain between us. I stopped checking up on things that were suspicious and my depression just kept growing stronger. One day when I logged onto his facebook to play a game, I came across a message from a high school friend of his saying that she knew he was married and had kids but she had nothing to lose by telling him how she felt. She had feelings for him. I confronted him about the message and he was very convincing that was surprised by the message and didn’t know what she was talking about. For once I believed him. I’m not sure why but I did. That was a few weeks ago and two days ago when my computer died, I logged on to his and discovered pictures of this same girl, and only her. And since I came across the pictures I decided yet again to see what else I was missing out on. I found out that for the month that I was in the hospital after my wreck, Nick was back to his usually business trying to find local girls online to have sex with. So the one and only time in our entire relationship that I felt loved even just a little bit was a lie as well. When confronted about the websites, he got angry with me and didn’t think there was anything wrong with what he did. He feels that my one act of indiscretion with a long-time friend gives him a free pass to do whatever he pleases with complete strangers. The difference is that I am truly remorseful for what I did. I don’t think the whole “he did it first” thing is any excuse for what I did. I take full responsibility for it and I have settled it with myself and God. He however has never thought he was in the wrong from day one and the only regret he has ever expressed was over admitting he got caught.
I don’t have any family to help me with the kids so I can get a job again. I can’t afford childcare. I am terrified of change and to try to make that leap again. I’ve thought about trying to go back up north but it turned out so badly before I just can’t see myself doing that again. My kids are my life. They are my reason for being. I don’t regret them. I regret their father. I can’t see myself ever being without them. I know there maybe someone out there who could give them a better life, and I have painfully thought about it for their sake because it would literally kill me to lose them, but no one could ever love them like I love them. We need each other. I’m just tired of making the wrong choices for them. I don’t want to ruin their lives and I don’t want to live the rest of my life miserable.
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