Quote:
Originally Posted by Abby
Like watching a slow motion train wreck, as my logical mind predicted, I've become slightly 'addicted' to vomiting just for the sake of it. I'm being very honest with both my therapist and doctor but neither seem to have any advice on how to stop myself. When I'm self berating I believe I should be stronger and stop myself and not rely on other people because obviously somewhere along the line I am 'choosing' to do this, ...but it is really difficult when I feel that overwhelming need to 'get it out'....especially as my main goal is not to cut myself and therefore vomiting seems like a very 'non-harming' way of hurting myself. It's warped thinking, but identifying that doesn't seem to help. I feel as though I'm in a bit of a dead end at the moment...I can't cut myself because of many many reasons I won't go into on this post, but I've just changed tactics. I'm working hard in therapy....I don't know maybe I'm just extremely weak.....I'm not worried about the vomiting exactly (at least not enough to stop) but I hate being stuck in this never-ending cycle. I feel I'm fighting myself and a lot of myself wants me to lose.
|
Hi Abby...
When you are vomiting, are you overeating at all before hand. Or are you just vomiting the bile from the nerves that is in your stomach? Do you have excess bile in your stomach from anxiety and nervousness? Are you nausaus from the nerves and anxiety of the overwhelming emotions or are you purging your "feelings" in a symbolic way? Are you purging food in an attempt to control your body or your weight? Are people commenting on the fact that you are losing weight? Does it make you feel better about yourself if they do? Does it create the urge to lose more/do it more to feel more in control and more able to make that happen?
I'm just hoping to better understand and hopefully help you make sure you are not substituting one addiction for another... In the end, both "tactics" are you trying to "control" your emotions or slow them or stop them temporarily and "feel" something else..something very physical and tactile and real and immediate...instead of the overwhelming rush or flood of emotions that take their toll on the very sensitive and gentle-hearted like yourself...
Unfortunately, they ARE both addictions and not just tactics or ways to cope or deal with it...I'm a little scared for you too... If your pdoc and T are not listening to you and hearing you...I think you need to SCREAM it in their face or in an email and make them stop and listen and respond appropriately...
With only healing and hope in mind..I hope you know I'm listening and that I care. I'm sorry if the questions seem a bit blunt...but I think it may be obvious that I'm right there...and don't want you to choose the paths that I did. You have a beautiful persona and many gifts...please don't waste them...You are so much wiser than I. So much more courageous to be reaching out and recognizing that there may be a problem. I have faith in you...
Huggles,
Wysteria Blue