I've been having a really hard time and been really depressed and emotional... Had like a daymare in the middle of session with T on Thursday that he was backhanding me...Ended up going to talk to him about it on Friday, and he seemed to explain it ok and it seemed to make sense right them,...but ended up seeing pdoc that afternoon and by then it was all messed up in my head again. And pdoc was talking and I couldn't talk in complete sentences...he was worried..I was scared...I've been in bad shape...and he kept saying that he was on call this weekend and we'd take it one day at a time this weekend and even called someone that has been abusive to get them to back off...but I left and nothing he had said or T had said all week suddenly made any sense at all!

It's like suddenly they are all speaking another language or behind my back and I cannot read their lips (I'm hard of hearing and naturally read lips to help me hear)....and I sent my T an email last night...and he didn't answer my request to please write down what was happening, ...because it doesn't make any sense to me. He didn't answer...I'm sure he's really busy and it's the weekend. I don't want to call pdoc, I don't even know why he wanted me to call and I have no idea what in the hell to say to him...

But I still feel like everything is so confusing and perplexing and I can't keep the positive thoughts or explanations in my head to help me. I feel panicked and like it's hard to breathe. I'm afraid to sleep, but finally got a few hours last night..just because I fell asleep on top of comforter, fully dressed and woke up screaming with muscle cramps and nightmare...

I feel like I've crossed some threshold and left everyone behind me. I don't know what's wrong. I just keep trying to act normal and just do things and say normal things, but on the inside it's totally different....

I'm trying to reach out and totally get that my therapist is not on duty.

I'm just so afraid right now, and I don't understand anything, and I can't "hear" you...I can't even really hear myself think anymore, there's just like gaps. All I do is feel...and hurt. I just want it to stop or start or something....

Does anyone understand what I'm saying at all????

Wysteria Blue