I am not sure where the most relevant place to post this is, it involved self harm, but it is what I want to talk about with T at my next session.

We nearly got there last session, but I bottled out at the last minute. Although I feel ashamed when I self injure now, what I was trying to talk about with T goes back to when I was 12 / 13. I am more ashamed of my SI then (hope I am able to actually post this) as I know I was doing it for attention - nowadays it is to deal with intense thoughts / feelings and I am able to excuse myself more for that.

I think I am terrifed about how T will react, that T will think badly of me - I tell myself I was only 12 / 13 then.

This is alongside a background of emotional abuse and really feeling overshadowed by my brother, excluded and unloved. I had few friends and people really didn't notice me much. There was a dog that lived up the road that used to escape from his garden "Joey" - oneday I saw him in my garden and went out to play with him. In his exictement he jumped up and his tooth caught the bottom edge of my eye really hard. I developed a black eye and for some reason was even ashamed about how I go it and told my mum that I had walked into a door - I don't know why I couldn't tell the truth. But I suddenly received lots of attention from everyone, I was finally noticed! So from then on sometimes I would hit myself in the face with a hammer in attempt to give myself a bruise, I guess so that I could again be noticed. I think this is how my SI started - but now I am very discrete with it and would be horrified for anyone to see it so I know it is for different reasons.

I am so scared of T's reaction that he will label me as something and judge me to be an unfit mother.

Do I need to share these concerns with T first, before telling the story - do you think that would make it easier for me? I really want to do this therapy thing, I want to stop avoiding talking about things, but it is sooo hard right now.