Quote:
Originally Posted by SoupDragon
I am not sure where the most relevant place to post this is, it involved self harm, but it is what I want to talk about with T at my next session.
We nearly got there last session, but I bottled out at the last minute. Although I feel ashamed when I self injure now, what I was trying to talk about with T goes back to when I was 12 / 13. I am more ashamed of my SI then (hope I am able to actually post this) as I know I was doing it for attention - nowadays it is to deal with intense thoughts / feelings and I am able to excuse myself more for that.
I think I am terrifed about how T will react, that T will think badly of me - I tell myself I was only 12 / 13 then.
This is alongside a background of emotional abuse and really feeling overshadowed by my brother, excluded and unloved. I had few friends and people really didn't notice me much. There was a dog that lived up the road that used to escape from his garden "Joey" - oneday I saw him in my garden and went out to play with him. In his exictement he jumped up and his tooth caught the bottom edge of my eye really hard. I developed a black eye and for some reason was even ashamed about how I go it and told my mum that I had walked into a door - I don't know why I couldn't tell the truth. But I suddenly received lots of attention from everyone, I was finally noticed! So from then on sometimes I would hit myself in the face with a hammer in attempt to give myself a bruise, I guess so that I could again be noticed. I think this is how my SI started - but now I am very discrete with it and would be horrified for anyone to see it so I know it is for different reasons.
I am so scared of T's reaction that he will label me as something and judge me to be an unfit mother.
Do I need to share these concerns with T first, before telling the story - do you think that would make it easier for me? I really want to do this therapy thing, I want to stop avoiding talking about things, but it is sooo hard right now.
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Hi Souper..
Just saw your post...lord I think we have a lot in common..
I guess what strikes me the most, is the way you view SI..you seem to recognize that it is a way to deal with emotions etc.. I often referred to it as a "pop-off" valve like on a water heater so that it doesn't actually explode...the valve releases pressure if tank overheats.. But people like us that are more sensitive to the barrage of emotions and use behaviours like these to control are simply overwhelming our powers to cope. So what do therapists really do...they are supposed to teach us ways to cope! Relaxation methods, re-framing, looking for thinking patterns that are unhealthy and re-directing them, self-soothing, releasing emotions, discovering strengths to overcome weaknesses..etc.
So only a very ignorant and callous therapist would not know and fully understand the ramifications of SI. I can see where the attention-seeking behaviours of a 13 year old girl might involve a different sort of shame than the SI practiced today...but that 13 year old girl had limited coping skills and the emotions that you described that she was dealing with were simply and powerfully overwheling her coping skills AT THAT TIME!! You need to again be more gentle with yourself and forgiving of what you were and were not capable of dealing with at 13...
(You know, I say this like I mastered the art of forgiving the younger me...NOT...
)
I have heard you speak of your T...and it seems like they are pretty awesome really... I'm laying heavy odds on the fact that your T will be incredibly supportive and will right off the bat realize the relevance of your needing to SI to stop the pain...
then and
now!
If you really are that nervous, there is a sight,
firstsigns.org in the UK that has a bill of rights and info to hand health professionals that you may come into contact with that may not understand SI...you could print some of that out and take it with you...like Just In Case, have in your hand insurance...
Sometimes, I've been known to take in letters to go ahead and state the problem and what's going on so I don't actually have to 'say' the words...make him read it..and
then we can talk...
then it is not so bad...
And then, I know I can say it just right and explain it with the right words, especially when it is so emotionally poignant like this is for you. It's just an idea. You also might broach the topic in an email to open the door to the topic???
Again, I think maybe a little more faith in your T that they will understand what the SI represents, how important and guilt/shame provoking it might be to you, how very important it is for you to bring it to them honestly, and for your T to honour that gift of truth...
These are just my thoughts for what they are worth...You know I want only the best for you and to bring you some hope in healing... Best wishes for your visit and continued courage and honest relationship with your T.
Go get em Spike! I have faith in you and your wonderfully, courageous big heart!!
Huggles,
Wysteria Blue