Quote:
Originally Posted by widgets
I'm so sick of myself and i think everyone else should be too.
I'm so selfish and i cant help it.
I know i need to take myself away from my friends and stop inflicting them with my crazy ways, but i cant do that cause i need them WAY TOO much.
They'd be better off with out me.
I need the strength to walk away, get my head sorted so i can actually be a proper friend and not a paranoid, anxious, possessive, insecure waste of space mess that i am now.
i'm up, i'm down and round and round and i dont know where i'm going or coming from, i cant form my own opinions because i cant think straight, the voices in my head are telling me how rubbish and awful i am and that everyone is so much better off without me.
Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh, i'm seriously going crazy.
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I noticed you called yourself selfish but immediately followed with, "I can't
help it." No, we CAN'T always help it. We have behavior and thoughts that are symptoms of our illness and it is what it is. Like you, when I get indecisive, I now don't apologize or feel shocked or sad about it. I just tell others, "Oh, having trouble with (blank i.e. my memory, my emotions, making up my mind - whatever) today." And keep moving. It's acceptance but it's also NOT apologizing to others. Just an acknowledgement -period.
So often my bipolar is about distorted thinking...if we didn't have that, than we'd be well, eh? So I try to put a hold on my negative, distorted or paranoid thinking - get through the episode with help - then I can look back and say: "Boy, I 'm glad I didn't do this or wow, I sure feel differently now!"
And what would we do without friends to give us a little reality check as we struggle getting ourselves back on track? A few days ago I called my sister to read her an assignment I'd been hung up on for days. I was ready to GO OFF on someone but she said, "You know I see it another way - you're overthinking this!" And I was, and I was about to make a mistake. Her perspective was worth it's weight in gold. Hope this helps in some way and things get better for you soon.
Quote from my therapist: "Don't believe the lies of depression."