Hi jf93,

Wow ~ That was a long post!

It sounds like you have been through a lot of hurtful times. Unfortunately, you avoided signs that things weren't working out between you and your hub. You tried to do what you believed to be morally right ~ give him another chance, try to make the marriage work, and ran into some rough roadblocks along the way. I am not a religious person at all, so perhaps someone else could offer their perspective on that part.

For whatever reason/s, you avoided the easier way. So much pain could have been avoided had you simply gone with your intuition. There wasn't ever any love between you and Nick. You felt dependent upon him various times, thankful a few times, but mostly very confused over what the "right" thing to do was. It didn't sound to me as though Nick ever seemed devoted to you and your family. As if he had tried very hard to provide for his family ~ you and the kids. He didn't. Your perception of "love" was inaccurate. ~ I've been there on that point myself.~

There are resources out there devoted to help families get through difficult circumstances like you find yourself in. Halfway homes that help people look for work, provide some childcare and health care, while the adult/s get onto the road of self-sufficiency. Many states are really hurting financially though, and there's a lot of pressure to stop spending money, which puts many of us in a big pickle.

The fact is that you and your kids require some assistance. Your family isn't helping, and you don't any friends that you can trust. That leaves the government as the one to go to for help. You sure don't want to go back to Nick and complicate things even more. It isn't worth the pain for any of you. Your children are old enough to pick up on the tension, resentment, etc. Don't want them to assume that it's their fault, which is what they would naturally do. It's awfully tough for human beings to deny helping children out of the misery. Perhaps your children can help you get yourself out of the gloom and move onto a better life for them.

Gentle hugs sent your way ~ best wishes to you and your kids!