There is so much that I want to say to you...I probably will forget something, but hopefully what I include will be helpful/comforting.

You have a very, very hard life. You have to attend to all of your sick mother's duties while dealing with the same cursed illness yourself. You are expected to sacrifice everything-your future, your dreams, even your need for privacy (I would be even crazier than I am if my parents forbade me the time I spend in the safety of my room) for your mother. And you don't even get any recognition for it. Combine this environment with an already-present depression, and it's no wonder that you feel hopeless and occasionally even suicidal.

Since your life is very hard, you are going to have to make it easier. This is going to take A LOT of courage, because the things you need to do are going to upset your mother and temporally make things worse before they get better. But I think that you can do it. You have proven yourself to be very strong; even though you are depressed, you still take care of your entire family. You still are able to love your mother even though her illness has complicated your life immeasurably. It takes someone very special to do what is everyday life for you.

The only way that you will ever be free of your current sitaution (and you NEED to be free of it; it literally is a life or death situation because stress is very dangerous, especially for those of us with mood disorders) is if you break free from your mother and start living your own life. On airplanes, the flight crew always tells passengers that, in the case of an emergency resulting in the loss of oxygen in the cabin, adults are to put on their own oxygen masks first, and then to take care of their childrens' masks. You have to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else; you can't help your mother when you are drowning in a depression exacerbated by a stressful environment yourself. So leave your house to find a job; if your mother can't go out to the bars when you're not home, then all the more reason to spend more time out! A job will allow you a few hours of peace outside of your chaotic home life every week. It will also be an excellent opportunity to meet new people who can potentially befriend you, support you, and inspire you.

If you get a job, I suggest that you open your own bank account. You can give a bit of your pay to your family to help them get by, but you need the money yourself because you have a future to plan for and a life to live.

I think it would be wise to give community college a try, if you can afford it. I am a college student, and I can assure you that most people our age do not know what to do w/ their lives. I've personally switched my major (from genetics to neurobiology/psychology). There are classes that are pre-reqs to nearly any degree you may later want to pursue (calculus, chemistry, compositional English, intro psychology, etc.) that you could take now without fear of wasting your money. While taking these classes you will be exploring your interests, and you just might find your passion. At the very least, you will be away from your house and meeting people, which is very, very important.

You also need to get treatment for your mood disorder. Your euphoric periods suggest a possible bipolar disorder to me (though perhaps I'm biased because I have bipolar, have read a lot about it, and consequently see it everywhere.) Regardless of whether you have a depressive disorder, a bipolar disorder, or something different entirely, therapy and an evaluation by a psychiatrist will do a lot of good for you. You've been functioning very well despite your disorder (and again, kudos to you! That is truly a great accomplishment representing an unbendable spirit), but you are still miserable and have been considerably suicidal. You have a medical illness; you need to be in the care of a good doctor. There are ways to get low-cost therapy and medications, one of which confusedinomicon mentioned.

You can also look into self-help methods online. The psychotherapy forum has a list of "cognitive distortions" that cause us to suffer. You could read through them, identify the ones you most struggle with, and work on changing them. Also, take care of yourself physically the best you can. Get exercise (even if it's just walking around or jogging in front of your TV), try to keep to a consistent sleep schedule, and eat as healthfully as possible. I know these things are very difficult; I am a bit of a hypocrite as I don't think I am capable of doing them myself. But they are very important, especially in situations like yours.

Overall, please remember that you are a worthy individual. From what you wrote, you can be quite hard on yourself. Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself sometimes? No? You are just as human as anyone else, and just as worthy of love, satisfaction, and independence. I understand your hopelessness completely. My life is not nearly as complicated, but I know what it's like to think that life is nothing more but "more disappointment to live through". Please know that these feelings and thoughts are a product of your illness, and not an accurate reflection of reality. Once you are stabilized, life will look brighter.

And lastly, do not feel ashamed of the symptoms you have been experiencing. They are not your fault. If anything, you should take pride in your ability to function despite their never-ending attempts to pull you further into the darkness. Maybe if your mother sees you get better with treatment, she'll even be more apt to try therapy herself. I'd also like to hope that your ex-boyfriend would not emotionally abandon you for having a psychiatric condition. You are still the girl he fell in love with. If he is as worthy of your heart as you have judged him to be, he will be nothing but supportive of you.

You don't deserve to live as a prisoner to your own family. You do owe love and support to your mother, as she gave you life and raised you. However, her liberty ends where yours begins.

I wish you luck as you attempt to do what seems to be impossible. The mountain won't seem so insurmountable once you've climbed it. Feel free to PM me if you ever feel overwhelmed and need someone.