Hello Kazzax.
In my view self-esteem needs no base. The esteem from others does. I have just been reflecting what a Leo I am, and how no matter how deep I slid, and how unappealing, uninteresting, repulsive, useless, stupid, worthless, invisible, etc, and so on, people may think of me, it was not really affecting my self esteem. This kind of self-esteem gave me nothing to stand on with other people. I had to pretend I am something attractive or interesting, and was aware that I wasn't doing a good job of it, and it was heartbreaking, but there was some inner core, that was untouchable. As child I dreamt that I became a pariah, a shadowy figure, covered in filthy torn rags and a hood, so no one would see my face. I was diseased and stinking (interestingly I first found a guru, who was that and he guided me on the path). I slept in cemetaries, and scrurried out of people's way. One may think being in such a state would distress me, but that dream had no sense of distress, instead a feeling of freedom, mixed in with a little sadness, for I lost the few friends I had, and knew I will never have any. But that aside, I was fine. One of those dreams that stuck with me, without me trying to remember it. I tried to decipher what it meant, and just got it kinda now.

I also think, that possibly, every human has that core sense, it's just usually not easy to know it under all the b.s. that our minds pile upon us. I tend to wax mystical, so I fancy that it could be the Awareness, that which is part if All That Is and knows it. A point of light, like tiniest grain of sand, that is also a mighty galaxy.

Please tell me, if you don't mind, when you cry, why do you cry, who do your cry for? Is it yourself? I ask not because I am callous, though I suspect I am, but I think crying comes from the heart, and in order to cry for anyone, or anything, one has to love. And, yes, you may disgust yourself, but is it possible that you also love yourself? Not approve, be proud of or any of that, just pure love, love despite everything and everyone.