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Thank you Leed. I forgot (in my 1000 page story lol) to add the part about our time in a shelter. When we came back down from Illinois we did go to a shelter before I went back to him. We made it about a week. The reason I tried to go to one up north is because I have friends up there who offered to help with childcare so I can get a job. I can't afford to pay $800 a month for daycare, we're on the waiting list for headstart, and the waiting list for childcare funding assistance here is 18 months long (I applied last month).
Anyway, so when we got back we stayed in a shelter for about a week. It was much like I can imagine jail would be. It was filthy and we weren't allowed cleaning chemicals (EVER) because they were paranoid one of the kids would get a hold of them (the mom's with kids had a different room that the other residents). The floors from wall to wall had a THICK brown layer of filth that was oily & sticky. We (Almost all the residents, not just us) had diarreah every day all day from the expired and mishandled food and my son acquired a life threatening baterial infection caused from ingesting bacteria from feces (more than likely from someone doing a messy wipe & not washing their hands then handling the food ewwww). I'm assuming I had the same thing but I didn't have health insurance and couldn't afford the same testing he had or the medication and my daughter was till on a bottle so thankfully she didn't get it. I didn't expect it to be glamorous but I drew the line at putting my kids health in danger. And on top of all that, since I was back down here, I had no one to watch the kids so I could get a job. The prospect of being stuck in that shelter long term scared me back to Nick. That's really what I'm afraid of I guess. That summer was by far the worst time of my life. I think my depression is holding me back from making a decision to leave or stay. I was NEVER this type of person. I was very independent and had a lot of self respect. If I hadn't been pregnant when all this started I'd have kicked his butt to the curb the first time and never looked back. He really has broken me down, even to the point that I'm not sure I could ever have a normal relationship with anyone again. I know it's unhealthy for the kids but my mom had 5 kids with different guys and abandoned all of us in different states as babies and my dad was always a hardcore alcoholic. I didn't meet my mom til I was 18 & saw my dad off & on when he wasn't in jail. I always grew up wondering why they didn't want me & blaming myself for them not being around (I know that it was very distorted thinking but very strong none the less). I guess I've been trying to protect my kids from that feeling. I know without a doubt if I were to leave for good Nick would never ask to see the kids & we probably wouldn't ever hear from him. I have always offered and even taken them to see him multiple times when we were split up but he never called to ask about them, even when Christopher was really sick or we were out of state.
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Hoping to one day enjoy life again... 
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