Hi Asiablue,

Thanks for the advice. Yes, i do feel at times that my t is inconsistent when it comes to this hurt child part of me. The way that i have experienced it is that initially, my t was eager and willing to connect with that hurt child part of me and be soothing and reassuring. But this past year or so, she seems to have stepped quite aways back and wants me (adult me) to soothe my own child parts. While i understand that this is a goal of therapy, what it feels like to me is like being pushed out of the nest before i'm ready. It is true that my t has already gone through the stages of giving child parts support. But most of that time, i have not been able to "take it in," out of fear of closeness and fear of getting attached and losing her. So i feel that, in a very real way, that i have not really gone through that stage of receiving support from her in a way that has strenghthened me to be able to start meeting my own needs. It's not that i don't want to trust her. I do! And we've been working together a long time. But i just have so many defenses that have to be gotten through before i can even grant my t access to my hurt child part.

It feels to me that my t has sort of given up trying to meet the needs of the hurt child part because she has given and given, and i've never really been able to "let her in." And now lately, she just emphasizes what i can do to help myself.

Also, while my t has always wanted to do trauma processing with me, I've always gotten too overwhelmed and the pain was bad enough to interfere with my functioning for 2-3 days afterward. My t was always hopeful that skills training and coping skills would help me eventually be able to process trauma. But now she says we may never be able to target those traumas.

I dunno -- in a way i feel like a failure in therapy as everything seems to trigger me, and i'm so sensitive and reactive. And it's like i'm desperate for connection with my t, and i tell her this, but in face to face sessions, i always have my game face on and feel stiff and can't let go. It's like i'm stuck in guarded mode. And it also keeps me from accessing my own child part, or in being able to tell her what i need from her.