Numbers are a big thing for me. I can recite numbers of almost all of my cards, not just the important ones like driver's license, health card, but the other ones like the one for the movie theatre, the CAA (like AAA) etc. So in my relationship 08/24 is a big deal.

Specifically 08/24/10 and right now I'm 9 days away from the 1 year anniversary of that date. I feel like I'm going nuts.

I've been with my bf for almost 6 years (as of 09/09). Last year was our 5 year anniversary. Exciting right? There was a point last summer where I was considering surprising us with a anniversary vacation. We both like to travel, we don't have a lot of money so we've only had one big vacation. We went to Cuba in May 2009, it was a great trip. Other than that we've mostly done weekend trips around the area. I so wanted to be able to do the trip but I couldn't gather the money together. What's the best part of this story? While I was planning all of this (ok so maybe my planning was a few weeks earlier) he was planning his own "treat".

About 2 weeks before our 5 year anniversary, we were talking online one night. He said he had to go get gas. He worked in the morning and is not a morning person, so going out at night to get gas so he can sleep in 10 minutes later seems normal. He said he'd be right back. He didn't come right back. I saw his status automatically set to away because of inactivity. I waited. I waited until I couldn't stay awake any longer. I woke up in the middle of the night. Had an awful feeling. I figured he was tired when he got back and that's why he didn't sign back in. But I just felt something awful was happening. I chalked it up to a bad dream and went back to sleep. That morning he says he needs to talk to me. I woke up with that same awful feeling. He confessed that he cheated on me. While he was at the gas station he apparently got a text inviting him over to a friend from work. She had another friend over. They were both drunk (not my bf). He drank a little. She started suggesting things. He didn't say no.

They had never met before and have never seen each other since. His confession that day made a difference on where we are today. But our relationship will never be the same. I can't tell you that we had the perfect relationship, we, like everyone else had our problems. But they were never big. We could always handle them together. This has changed me, like any other trauma would, to my core.

I've always had trust issues. I remember when we first started dating, it was a point of confusion for us. Why the heck couldn't I just trust him? I would ask myself the same thing. He would prove himself trustworthy at every corner. Every test I threw at him he passed. I had no reason to hold back as much and as long as I did. But that's how I am, with anybody. I can't open up. Five years later, despite everything it took for him to know down that wall I would build and rebuild between us, he threw it away. He crushed everything I had come to know.

Even though he never lied, I question things. Like, did he really leave originally to get gas? Or was that a cover from the beginning? Had he really only met her that one time? I've questioned it all. Why and how could he throw me out the window for something so meaningless?

This has been the year from hell. The last few months have gotten easier. I've begun to accept that no matter what I do, this can't be undone; it happened. I've begun to accept the answer he gives me, they're always consistent. I've begun to ask so much less often. When I think of it, it doesn't knock me down like it did a few months ago. I've begun to see that I might actually survive all of this. Last September/October, I didn't think I would make it through some days, let alone a year.

The past few months, maybe since June things have actually been on an upturn. We've been talking better, understanding of each other. We've had some great times. I've started to feel like I'm in love with him again. I smile when I see him smile. I've started to imagine us with a future.

More recently though, that date from the beginning has be daunting on me. I'm wondering again. Remembering it all. I can just feel the last year weighing heavily on me. One of the troubles I have is saying "hey, I feel like ___ because ___" if that feeling is anything negative. I was doing better earlier in the year but not so well recently. I think he knows there's something that's been on my mind, but I'm just having trouble telling him, even though I know I need to.

Just needed to get that out there, thanks anyone who read it all