radio flyer,

Sannah is right, you do need therapy with this. But I can tell you that it sounds to me like you are experiencing invading feelings and troubles even though you try your hardest to not have that happen. Even though you want to give yourself permission to trust and enjoy you cannot seem to allow yourself to have that, there is a reason and you need to find out.

You may not remember what you felt as a child because 1. you didnt know what to feel as a child, 2. you may have just disassociated those feelings and somehow pushed them aside, however they are never really pushed aside. 3. you may have a deep sense of guilt that you never dealt with and any effort to have deep physical contact truely upsets you no matter how you try to avoid it.

Hope that helps, find a good therapist that you feel comfortable with enough to discuss this delicate subject.

Open Eyes