After one has self-injured for awhile - long enough to find relief in it - do they always carry the urge with them, whether aware of it or not?

I kind of want to. I'm worried about work - I fear it. This makes me want to, but I can't. I can't take that chance again. I can't go to the ER again, and put my parents through that worry again.

So I guess I don't know what to do. I'm not sui at all, but I keep having these fleeting thoughts, like all my worry and apprehension would be gone.. But I'm NOT sui and never have been, so don't worry.

I hope this doesn't come across as attention-seeking. It's not. It's me, blowing things out of proportion as usual. I know jobs are hard to come by, but is it really worth it? Really? Is the anxiety worth making a little extra money?