Just want to Disappear, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I was beaten as a child, had a truly horrible sexual experience in my teens, and found sex very difficult at first. Then, just as I was getting comfortable with it, my son was born... a wonderful event, unfortunately marred by the fact that his father was jealous of the attention I was giving our baby, and insisted on his marital rights when I was still full of stitches. It felt like being raped all over again, and i cried my eyes out. I didn't say "stop" however, and he insisted he was being "gentle", so he didn't see it as rape. I did. Seven stitches tore, and I'm almost certain I was sick. After that I hated sex again, for months and years... until I met my second husband, who was truly loving and gentle.

What I'm trying (and probably failing) to say with these examples is that horrible things can happen to us, but we can recover. I have had positive sexual experiences, despite the horrendous ones, and I cherish the memories of the times I had with my second husband... particularly the first time, and most poignantly the last time, which was utterly unexpected for both of us. We can heal, but we shouldn't feel like we have to push ourselves. Let it happen as it does. I've also used pills and alchohol to enable me to have sex, but the best sex I ever had was with eyes wide open, and heart full of joy and acceptance. It really can happen... but can't be forced. There's nothing to feel ashamed of in telling your therapist about the issues you are struggling with. Don't be ashamed, ever.