I think it was two years ago I went to a training for work. It was on suicide prevention. It had a lady there who told her story about her son who committed suicide. I have struggled with suicidal depressions since I was 16. Suicide is something that is comforting to me, knowing I have a way out if things get too bad. Well, I was not stable when I went to this training and it triggered psychosis. The pattern in the carpet was flowing, the walls were moving in and out. I kind of went off the deep end and ended up having a bit of a breakdown in the hall way.

So here it is a couple of years later. I have been stable for quite some time now. Any thoughts of suicide are far away. Deep in my heart I would still rather be dead but i keep that buried. I have not cycled or experienced any psychosis for a year and a half. And my boss wants me to attend another suicide training. she knows what happened at the last one and has indicated that not going isnt an option, she is confident i am doing well enough that will not happen again. i have the suppprt of my coworkers. i think i am well enough to handle it but....

i worry what if? what if i cant handle it? what if the psychosis comes back? what if it triggers my ptsd, which has a mind of its own despite my stability? what if i have another breakdown?