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As I've talked to the lot of you around the forum on various occasions, usually to catch up on how others are doing & via random posts during times of desperation or drunken shenanigans, it's pretty clear that I've only had very minimal problems with depression.
I get manic. I get hypomanic. I get mixed mania. But just as quickly as my mania started to spiral into forbidden territory, I feel like I may be headed into only my second self-aware depression over the past 2 1/2 years (if not much longer than that).
I'm not totally depressed... My mind is still racing faster than a 747 & I still have all of these grandiose plans to get myself motivated, among other things, but I can't summon enough energy to care. I'm not cleaning anything, not pampering myself anymore. I can barely remember to brush my teeth.
And there's this noise in the back of my head constantly as if there is this gear ticking & ticking away, winding up tighter & tighter. It goes quiet when I get tired, but it's still there & gets louder.
I tried to do a journal, but while manic I didn't see the point in documenting anything & couldn't juggle that on top of everything else. And while depressed I can't imagine trying to attempt the daunting task of documenting the past 2 weeks I've already missed, let alone what I'm feeling now... Meh.
Between the blues of BP, stubbornness to receive help via NPD, & the genuine not understanding why I should give a **** of ASPD (or an offshoot of NPD); I'm sensing that I might disappear from the forums again. I'll try not to but I may very well get the best of me.
I'll figure something out.
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