Oh, dear one. Hugs to you.

Humans are not "goods". Damaged goods get tossed on a thrash heap. Humans are living beings, and damages can be healed. I was actually talking about your mom being damaged. And if she were here looking for support in healing her damage I would be trying to help her.

Also, I am not feeling sorry for you. Not the "oh poor girl, so unfair" kind. My heart aches when I read you saying that you believe you deserve all the bad things, because I've known, just by a tiny bit, how awful that feels when I thought that of myself.

I know this about "I deserve it" logic. When incomprehensible betrayal is perpertrated on a child, "I deserve this" is that child only defense of her life. It's the awful price you paid to defend your bad mother. Yes, defend her. Do you understand why a helpless little thing has NO CHOICE but to defend the mother (or whoever is the primary caretaker)? What else can she do? Walk out and strike it on her own in the world? That is DEATH. So to live, the child accepts, and "I deserve it" is the acceptance. It serves to protect that child's very existence. But now when you grew up it is destroying you. The longer you go on believing such vitriolic lie the more damage it does to you.

I am not pitying you, I am expressing my sympathy and support in hopes that you find a will and way to freedom. It has nothing to do with the fact that you are a girl, that just an explanation of the damages of your mother (my ex b.f. mother emotionally abused him because he was a boy, while dotting on his sister). It has nothing to do with (maybe) a fact that you are not pretty (though I would like to ONCE see a young woman crying how un-pretty she is, while in fact she is sooo gorgeous, it's just like anorexic girl insisting that at 5'9" 100lbs is not thin enough to stop - same disease, different symptom).

You did not deserve it. You do not deserve it. What you have is mind stories that do you "dis-serve".

What you believe about yourself, probably none of it comes from you. Can you imagine being swapped at birth to a different mother, one of those ones here maybe, or maybe mother of one of your happy well-loved schoolmates and see what a different person you would grow up to be? You would not believe what you believe, you would not react how you react, you would not think of yourself like you do, but you still would be you, the very same baby, the very same DNA, the very same soul.

Have you ever sensed the *I* that looks out through your eyes, that awareness that is aware before the mind catches on and starts its chatter of words and stories and judgments? That is true you. This is what meditation is for, to help you re-connect to yourself.

You really can re-program your mind. I know because other people have done it. It can be done. We all can see you do not have to believe you are worthless. People here are trying to prove it to you and you keep denying it. So yes, I get it, you believe it, you were told it so much, that you believe it. And it's awful painful belief, and it's not true, but you have no choice but to believe it, because you do believe it... It's like chasing your own tail. If you want it to stop, you have to make a decision for yourself to stop believing in lies. No one can make you.