i have lived with anxiety for as long as i remember. Growing up was tough even though i know my family cared for me. My father had bipolar disorder and he never got treatment, but my mother was one of those people who only got sad/depressed when bad things happened. I spent my entire childhood trying to work out "what would happen next" (does that make sense?). My parents argued a lot and i was scared of my dad. I was 11 when he died and although i grieved i also felt relief because peace came into our lives. And i have always felt guilty for that. Anxiety has always been with me i can remember panicking about all kinds of things from about the time i started school at age 4 and a half. Too many things to go into here. Not a lot of friends at school, the only daughter in a family of 6 kids...and lots of responsibilities from a young age...and i was always trying to please my mum. I know she appreciated it and she loved me but she never understood me. Saying things like "you remind me of your father when u do that" didn't help. so as a lonely teen i got into drugs and alcohol...i know i did it to make myself feel better, more interesting etc..and a couple of my brothers did it too so i thought it was fine. Suddenly i had so many "friends"....i had "confidence" ....what a joke. I allowed my first boyfriend to treat me like garbage but i accepted it was the best i could have. so sadto look back now...My next relationship was with a man who adored me to the point of obsession...Emotional abuse led to domestic abuse when i tried to leave. thats a story for another time..I have one thing i am proud of though....i devoted all my time to my children and they have grown into fine adults and we are very close. I have tried to never judge them..because i always felt judged and criticized. Of course i worried about them constantly...reliving and comparing every event in their lives with mine..But i am proud to say that they never lived the self destructive lifestyle that i lived. I am now 45, still anxious, also depressed. I lost my job and i feel my future is very bleak. Also last year my brother died and we were very close but i feel i let him down when he needed me most...i feel selfish because i was too wrapped up in my own misery. I have a lot of other things haunting me from my past. I have seen my GP and i was put on Aropax (Paxil?) which felt so weird i had to stop taking it. I have also been on HRT as i am menopausal, but that only helped with the physical symptoms. I am no longer able to afford it. My GP sent me to a counsellor but it was way too expensive and i don't know if there are any free services out there. I also think that there are a lot of people out there suffering more than me with much more serious issues surely they deserve the help more? I don't know what to do anymore and i just don't want to face the world. thanks for listening