(Breathe in...out....breathe) I have no one to turn to, no one to keep me from crawling into "darkness"/depression. My man walked out on me and was angry at me for getting into his email and finding a basically porn chat site where he has been active for over 6 months and finding a picture storage site with nasty pictures of his so called exgirlfriend (oh that he says he didn't create). Yeah, he walks out on me. How dare I not trust him, why do I have to snoop he doesn't do it to me, ya ya ya etc.
We have been doing this sick tango of me in denial, him lying, getting caught, getting mad at me, walking out and leaving me till he feels like coming back (he has always come back but it gets worse and worse). He tells me that I am the one causing the problems because I don't trust him. I so want to trust him even to the point where it has and is currently messing with my already unstable mental health. I passed sad and upset a long time ago, drove through anger and now I just... I am just pathetic. It's so easy to say that I should move on. He's hurting me and blaming me and that I deserve better......Sure, that's what I would tell my daughters...but it's me...the one no one wants but keeps around to have someone or something to displace their junk onto. I am like a dog, faithful and true. Yet I can't get the same unconditional love from them. I'm am and have been an emtional mess. I have my own issues, he adds to them and then it makes me worse then he gets worse and then he comes home and its okay for awhile then we get start back up again. I know it's complete insanity. I know. But......I can hardly get through the day just fighting off the "darkness" let along allow myself to feel whatever it is other than numb. And so here I sit, good 'ol faithful dog, with my tail between my legs, waiting for him to come home. Please just come home. (I have stared at this for about 20 min. not wanting to post cause its my sick secret that I hide from others especially myself).