I hope so, and yes he is wonderful guy (he is still human though) and I say he is a wonderful man probably too much but he is the first person to seem to really care about me and want to talk to me about different things. I talk with him too. We are similar in so many ways too, so it is easier for us to talk. He is the first person i have found that I can talk to about things that I can not with others, especially feelings and thoughts.

Sunday my boyfriend and I talked about something very hard for me to tell him, I did not want to tell him due to I did not want him to think it was something he was doing for my feelings I really beleive it is something from the past that is popping up that has evolved in a way and I am worried i will mess things up with how I am and in the past with other people. It is one of many reasons I suppose why going to therapy and why I pushed it so hard last week with the "Me calling"

I love him but did not want to share really due to I did not want to hurt him in any way. and he saw that it bothered me and told me he was listening,
I don't know why but I feel it is important to share my things with my boyfriend, we live together and I want a strong life together (my dad use to say communication is something him and my mother lacked on and he believed it to be part of the down fall & Also one of our last talks together he told me "I wish you were not like me, I wish you could express more to others your thoughts and feelings and not hold them all in" and something to the point he wished I would be able to and not be like him- i think those two things there are the main reasons why I try my best to communicate, I tell my boyfriend things that I get paranoid about, what upset me, what happened when it upset me to a point, (I DO Feel like a fool sometimes but still i try my best) -

I did warned him it upset me so and that I did not want anyone to feel bad, we did talk, I cried and he held me... Later that day after a Nap I asked him how he was doing (sort of like his turn to talk talk about stuff he felt).. He told me his feelings and thoughts, and we discussed some more due to I must not had explained my self fully the first time, and right now we are good. I feel closer to him due to I can share such things and he does not get mad/irate mad, or over react totally or throw things or use passive aggressiveness with me.

He told me, when I am ready, if this Therapist and I click, that I should share it with her due to she is a biases person and to get her opinion on it.. it will be hard... (I think it's all my fault, but my boyfriend is worried about things I may not realize with in myself or that he is doing something wrong)... None the less I have talked to my boyfriend about the problem with in me, I have done this twice Sunday and last Wednesday about stuff that bothered me hear recently.

I will eventually due to one of my issues that I have been having for about a year now is a slight love and hate relationship (I have done this with myself for a long time but now I am doing it with my boyfriend, I do believe it partially stems from my mother and I)
And even though I get hate where it is a little extreme; I do see what he does for me, he talks with me which has helped tremendously these last 2 and half years, he listens and gives suggestions, he holds me when I need him to, and I do see he loves me even if I miss it sometimes or twist it in some way (i/e I get extreme thoughts of him cheating on me when he does not- and when I do believe he is not- there is no signs or proof of it)....

Its like I cant accept that someone loves me, and wants to stay with me- Like I need to destroy it if they are not going to (or that is at least how I feel on this when thinking over my feelings, I do a lot of thinking on me I am sorry if that is selfish).

Any ways- I did share with my siblings that I do talk to (only 3 of them not all 5). That I am going, My oldest sister has not responded to email (every time I call she has side conversation with her girlfriend or is yelling at the kids instead of talking to me- so email is best), and my brother sort was like ok good?- - my other sister told me she wishes me well and we talked for a while on things in the whole therapy category, She went into therapy a long time ago on her own. She told me if I every need to call and say "Don't talk just listen" to do so--- I am afraid she thinks I do not remember some things but does not want to trigger me (does that make sense?). But I was shocked as well that she suggested that. I have not seen her in over 5 years and just this last 2 years I reconnected by phone and mail with her.. I disconnected from her due to drug life style i had but have cleaned up.

I don't want to upset my sister though- I am afraid she wont believe me like my oldest sister - or get mad like my brother... I guess I opened up to the wrong sibling the first time coming out to say something (my end of my drug ring so to speak is when I said something)... I never thought my one sister would say call me any time,
I was asked by the screaner if I wanted anyone in my family to be a part of my therapy and I told him no- only my boyfriend at some points. I don't know if my sister would want to be part of my therapy. we grew up in the same family but had different child hoods (if that makes any sense), we had the same situation to some degree but not fully, to be honest I am not sure what good it would bring.

Any who this ramble has been great! thank you all and I am deeply apologetic if it upset anyone.
I kept saying sorry for my past and my family to the screener, I am sorry for it but it is what it is.