My heart is really breaking for you. My son got diagnosed last year in June with autism. i went through a period of grieving as if he had died becaus e i could not understand how this could have happened to my beautiful baby. Believe me when i tell you this, you will cry some more and it's a rough ride ahead but you will survive. There was a time when it thought i would never ever smile again in my life because of my son's condition but now i actually laugh about his condition, he has only just mastered using full sentences at 5yrs and sometimes he says the funniest things. Please try to focus on the positive that you can give to him and you will reap the rewards. It's going to give you so much joy when he learns something knew and you know you taught him! i love him to bits and i know it is not my fault. i also know it is not your fault that he turned out that way. I did not have BPD neither did i take any medication during my pregnancy but it happened. It has happened to a lot of people who did nothing wrong yet there are drug addicts who get normal kids. So it is not anything that you did or didnt do. Just dont ask why and focus your energy on being a good parent and finding out what you can do for your baby. Blaming yourself will not get you anywhere especially when you are blaming yourself for something you had no control over. You are of no use to your child when you you are depressed, try to rise from the ashes and be strong. You need to believe me coz you are talking to someone who knows exactly how you are feeling. I also blamed myself and was suicidal but i have seen parents with kids who have worse forms of autism yet they still smile. I dont know where you are, i am in south africa but im giving you a hug right now. Talk to me and ask me anything and i'll do my best to help.