Ever since I told T the darkest, yuckiest part of my story on Friday, he has absolutely been SO there for me.

There were so many reasons I couldn't tell before now...I just didn't have the skils (at all) to deal with the big emotions that I knew would come up, I needed to tell EVERYTHING else first, I needed to experience that I can really, truly trust T with anything. Lots of reasons.

And I realized that the only thing really holding me back now was the fear of being alone with it. Because I WAS alone at the time...about as alone as it's possible to be, I think...and I've been alone with it for all of these years, and to speak it and still be alone with it...would be just too much like my childhood. WAY WAY WAY too much yuck.

When T and I talked about it, and he said he would be available to me this past weekend, it was huge. HUGE. He's never been available on a weekend before (other than a very rare e-mail) and he was SO responsive this weekend and gave me just what I needed (and I needed WAY less than I thought I would).

I saw him on Monday and he told me what a good job I did this weekend. I had a (another )really yucky flashback while I was there - like, bad - and T pulled his big chair up to the couch and held my hand and talked me through it and helped me get grounded. I was laying on the couch and he was right there and looking back at it later...it was exactly what I needed and didn't get when I was little. To have someone big and strong and SAFE right there when it happened, holding my hand, telling me it would be okay, and that I'm not yucky or stupid or any of the other things I felt and that I'm good and loved. It kind of takes my breath away, to finally FINALLY get exactly what I needed then all of these years later.

At the end of session yesterday, he told me "all of our ways of communicating are still open for you" and that just like over the weekend, I could call or e-mail and he'd reply. And I did e-mail today (and then called to let him know because he doesn't always check his e-mail) and he left me a voice mail on his way home saying he hadn't got to his e-mail yet, and telling me when he would be able to reply, and tonight he sent just the reply I needed. And somehow, it's all so gentle and *right* and it's just enough. I don't feel like I'm "too much", and I don't feel like T's not there, and I can feel from T that it's all just really, really okay.

I wrote back and told him he's my favorite therapist EVER (and my only! )

He's going to be gone (and unreachable) for a few days, but I think I'll be okay.

This is absolutely the hardest thing I've talked about in therapy...and absolutely the most healing I feel like I've done, WAY deep down inside. Someone. is. there. Someone hears me, sees me, believes me, will comfort me.

And I guess it makes sense...we've built our relationship for YEARS, and have worked so closely together, and I know T cares about me a lot. I think I just thought no one would ever, ever, ever, EVER be able to help me with this, not even T. And he can, and he IS.

Sometimes, doing what's the hardest is so worth it. I still get these waves of terror and yuck, and I know we still have a lot of work to do...but I feel like I clawed my way up some huge, huge, dark, rocky, impossible mountain...and now I'm being rewarded with sunshine and sky and clouds and rest. And if I slip backwards a few steps down the mountain tomorrow, I know I can reach out for T and he'll help me find my way back to the top.