Wow, thank you for sharing. I have to admit, it was hard for me to read, being on the other side and all. I think you've done an amazing job at coming as far as you've come.
Anniversaries are a big deal. I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of my mom's death. The hospice center here sent me a little thing on dealing with the one year anniversary. I don't know if any of this will help you, but I imagine the pain you feel isn't all that different from the grief over someone's death, so maybe some of this will apply to you. It says:
Quote:
Dear Friend,
We at Hospice hold you in our thoughts and hearts as you approach the first anniversary of the death of the your loved one.
Enduring the first year of loss is, in itself, an accomplishment and we congratulate you for making it through the inevitably painful first year. We hope that your journey through grief has taken you beyond mere survival to a place of new hope and loving involvement in life. We hope that amid the pain and turmoil of this journey you have also found growth, meaning and inner wisdom.
As you near the anniversary of your loved one's death, we want to remind you that each individual heals at his or her own pace; there is no timetable. Recognize that anniversary reactions are typical. Don't panic if you encounter a resurgence or intensification of pain at this time. This is not regression but simply another phase in the unfolding healing process of grief.
We encourage you to be gentle with yourself. This may mean resisting the need to be "finished" with your grief at a particular point in time. Remember that healing does not mean the end of sorrow. More accurately, healing means being open to new possibilities for the future and finding a new enthusiasm for life without the person who has died.
Remember that joy and sorrow can co-exist. Those who remain open to suffering live life more fully and experience true joy more completely.
Typical Anniversary Reactions
Grieving people commonly report similar experiences as they approach and encounter the one year anniversary of their loved one's death. Like all other phases of grief, your reactions will be unique to you but it sometimes helps to know that you are not alone. Others have walked this difficult road and have survived. So will you.
Most people are genuinely surprised by the intensity of the feelings which typically begin to re-surface days or weeks prior to the actual anniversary date. The month before the anniversary date is usually fraught with anxiety as we begin to dread the arrival of the actual day. Nightmares, insomnia and physical complaints are common, especially when we try to suppress the signs of acute grief (anger, despair, sadness, guilt, etc.) that tend to re-surge at this time. We often feel overwhelmed and confused by these anniversary reactions, questioning if we have made any progress in our grief work at all.
It is common to relive the days, weeks or months prior to the death of your loved one. You may recall the circumstances of the death, the funeral and your initial reactions in vivid detail. Some people experience flashback type imagery of the actual death scene.
Although the various anniversary reactions are painful, they should not be taken as a sign of regression, but rather as an opportunity to release the residual pain of your grief. You may use this time to reflect on various aspects of the relationship you had, to assess which aspects of your grief have been resolved, and which aspects require more attention. It is important, as always, to suspend judgment of your feelings and simply allow them to find expression. Give yourself permission to fully experience and express your feelings through tears, sharing, writing, art, music, dance, movement or exercise.
Suggestions for Handling the Anniversary
- Anticipate and prepare for the anniversary. When it comes to handling significant days (holidays, birthdays, etc.), it is better to anticipate the difficulty and plan how you want to spend the day rather than trying to ignore it.
- Accept the fact that the time before and immediately after the anniversary will be painful. The actual anniversary date is rarely as devastating as we actually anticipated, especially for those who have consciously planned for it. Rest assured that the intensification of your pain at anniversary times is temporary and you will regain your equilibrium. Anniversary reactions are not isolated to the first year. However in subsequent years, the intensity and duration generally decrease. Having made it through the first anniversary of the death, you will have developed inner resources and external coping strategies to use when facing the days ahead.
- Find a way to acknowledge the significance of the day and to remember the person who has died. Some suggestions:
- Have a religious service dedicated to the person who has died
- Have flowers significantly placed in memory of the person who has died.
- Plan your own special anniversary ritual. You can do this alone or with family members and friends. For example, one bereaved father goes surfing on the anniversary of his son's death. He scatters flowers on the ocean as he paddles out on his board. This allows him to spend some quiet time alone in memory of his son while engaging in an activity which they both found enjoyable. Another widow planned a dinner party and cooked some of her husband's favorite foods. She encouraged her guests to share their cherished memories of her husband.
- Do something fun that you did or planned to do with your loved one. For example, one mom took her kids out of school on her husband's birthday, and they did all the things that they enjoyed as a family: they got ice cream, they went bowling, they went to the movies and out to dinner.
- Use your Journal -- Write a letter to the person who has died. Tell him or her how you are doing on this day and where you are in your grief. You may also want to imagine his or her response to your letter and write it as if he were writing back to you.
- Indulge and nurture yourself. In the days around the anniversary be gentle with yourself and do things that will bring you spiritual, physical, and emotional nourishment.
- Limit your expectations and responsibilities. Engage the coping strategies and nurturing activities which you have found valuable throughout your grief process.
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Guess I better cite it:
Grief's Journey, Issue Eleven. Hospice and Palliative Care of Western Colorado.
Just replace "death" with cheating and I think there may be some good advice in there. Some of it may not apply to you, like #3, but I red-texted the stuff I found particularly helpful.
From your posts, I can tell you've put a ton of grueling work into working through your pain. I commend you for that. It takes a lot of strength.
Lastly, I think you should tell your bf what's bothering you - but you already knew that.
Good luck!
