My T is more of a natural conversation leader than I am. I can interrupt and force the conversation onto topics I want, but it is awkward. He does ask what's going on each time, so I get some chance to bring up topics. T is just more talkative than me and starts talking before I have time to think of what I'd say next if it was up to me, or to finish where I was going. If I can remember where I was going after he talks, I will go back to it.

All of this probably sounds like he's not a good t. But it is helpful for me in a lot of ways to have a talkative t. I don't know why, but with more reserved or passive t's I didn't feel like I got anywhere. The conversation just doesn't go enough. I need enough input that there are things that seem relevant to talk about or else I'm just lost. Sometimes the topics current t brings up are off base and sometimes not. I think he tends to just go for any random topics that are usually taboo for the purpose of encouraging clients to talk about things one normally couldn't talk about. Hopefully as we get to know each other longer, this will work better and he won't keep bringing up the topics that don't connect too well with me. He's not usually very off base anyway. I do like it that he pushes to talk about things that are challenging sometimes.

I do have an agenda when I go in. Sometimes I manage to bring it up gracefully, sometimes awkwardly, sometimes not at all. My agenda isn't usually too specific and there are plenty of variations that will fulfill it. There are tons of things I've considered talking about and gone through a conversation in my head about. I know conversation won't go the way I rehearse, so I don't really rehearse. Tomorrow, three topics on my mind are 1. difficult things going on with my friend and 2. how embarrassed I am about something t said last session and how obsessed I am with therapy, 3. dealing better with stress when i have too much to do, or something like that. I wonder if we will talk about those things, or what will happen. I don't feel I have to accomplish bringing these topics up. There are other difficult topics that would feel like an accomplishment if we discussed them too. If t is being very supportive, like he was last session, I will probably let that happen and not mind if I don't get any difficult topics out. If he's supportive and stops pushing the pointed questions for a while, maybe I'll feel more able to lead the conversation more often, and maybe I'd like that. If he does have any difficult topics he wants to bring up, maybe they'll be helpful too, and I'd guess they'd be some of the same topics I have in mind. Or who knows, maybe he will lead less and I will feel I lead more, which happens sometimes. I think I'm even more open to any of these possibilities atm than usual.