Quote:
Originally Posted by RomanSunburn
Hey Tsol,
I just wanted to let you know that I read this, and I'm really glad you shared everything with us. I have been wondering about what happened, but I never wanted to ask, because if you wanted to share all the details with us, you would have. And you did, so I appreciate it.
I understand how you feel. I don't remember the exact date that I found out about our troubles (as I like to call them), but whenever it gets to be that time of year, I think about it (maybe because is was kind of multi-fold?). I also have been finding that Breanna's thread we've been replying to has been making me think about it a lot lately, rehashing some things. I can feel the turmoil inside my head. But at the same time, I AM getting better at handling this, because I am not reacting the same way I reacted last year, or the year before. I have actually come to the point where I can think about things rationally, without getting upset. Understanding what happened without getting defensive, without thinking negatively about myself.
I know it's probably disheartening to see that I still think about what happened 3 years later, but I am handling it so much better. And I realize that the reason I'm still having problems with it is because some part of me enjoys feeling the pain; it's almost like having a sense of control. I have to work harder to let it go, not only for my own peace of mind, but because bringing it up, allowing myself to be hurt by it, hurts my fiance even more, especially since he already (still) feels horrible about what happened.
I also realize that what happened between me and my fiance is MUCH different than what happened with your boyfriend (if you're interested, I don't mind sharing, but I don't want to thread jack). I guess what I was trying to say in Breanna's thread is that no one is perfect, before or after the cheating. And once every one realizes that, it's easier to move forward. Just like I'm not trying to minimize what Breanna did, I'm not trying to minimize what your boyfriend did. It's definitely hurtful, definitely going to leave an impression, definitely going to take time and patience to move on. But I think you have a really good handle on things, and just try to remember that you are worthy, you are loved, and you are a good, wonderful person. I'm so glad that you have come to these forums. I have learned a lot from you. You have handled this so much better than I did; you are so strong.
Sorry this got so long. Remember to take care of yourself, come and vent as much as you need to, and be kind to yourself.  |
Thank you for replying, I was hoping you would because I agreed with everything you would say on Brianna's thread, I was hoping you'd be able to apply it here. Long is good
I'm not so disheartened by the 3 year idea, I've read more than my fair share of books and I have another forum for exactly this topic. I know this is a long road. In a weird crazy way, it actually gave me comfort -it's been 3 years but you're still fiance-ing. That gives me hope
The last few months I've been doing well at being able to think about it sort without getting overly emotional. But lately I've been really touchy about anything and everything. I know having exams this week is adding to my stress which sort of compounds -I've my ability to cope with stress this year.
But it's all sending my anxiety through the roof. Last night I barely slept, I just tossed and turned and was sad. I had a short dream that I was bleeding which apparently means I'm exhausted, emotionally overwhelmed and/or my past is coming back to haunt me. yep. yep. yep. (How do they come up with these things). I've been losing my appetite/willingness to eat which happened last time around -not to any unhealthy level, just like "I should be eating at this time but I'm not hungry".
I too hate bringing it up. I know he hates what he did, I know he doesn't want to be reminded, I know he hates to see me upset. We haven't had a lot of time together lately (exams, conflicting work schedules) so I haven't told him what's going on. He had a panic attack last month and has since been very anxious (he finally booked a dr appointment next week) -I don't want to add to that. I'm afraid he'll be defensive or get angry. I know there is a part of me that's afraid to let it go. I'm afraid that if I let it go, I'll be vulnerable and it could happen again.
I know neither one of us is perfect. I know we all make mistakes and I believe we've both grown from this. A large part is that I never expected him to be able to do such a thing. I know probably everyone says that and I guess it's true, why go into a relationship with someone you expect could hurt you? We've always been looked at (and still are because we haven't told many people) the "perfect couple". It's hard hearing that now. I just want to scream. We never fought, we bickered but it was never anything big. I guess there's still a bit of shock element.
I'm not great at looking out for myself, I'm the type that worries about everyone else first. I will try take things slower though (once exams are done -1 left on Friday). It wouldn't be a threadjack to share what your troubles were