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Normally when someone commits infidelity, they seek forgiveness and, if lucky, are granted forgiveness and move forward in what both partners hope will be a healthy relationship. I find myself in a very different position. I have been with my boyfriend (the father of my child) for 11 years now. I'm only 27, so ours is essentially the only real relationship I've ever known.
When he and I met many years ago, he presented a very different man than he turned out to be. At the time, I was in high school on an advanced program and college bound. He and I attended separate schools (or so I thought). He indicated to me that he would be headed to college on a partial scholarship from a very reputable school. I always have had an issue with not wanting to be alone and, furthermore, with feeling the need to seek the approval of the man I was involved with (even if he wasn’t worthy of my approval). After a couple years of courtship/friendship, he asked me to be his girl. He came over one night and went through this explanation about how he was going to have this incredible, fruitful life and invited me to “take this ride with him”. And I happily accepted.
Shortly following, it became clear that he was not in a position to deliver on his promises. I always ended up at events (even Prom and my High school graduation) alone. In spite of that, I wouldn’t leave I didn’t even want to. I truly did love him and I knew that he loved me. Yet, I felt a hole growing inside of me. The love was there but, several other elements of a healthy relationship were missing. We never saw each other. Neither of us had transportation so if we saw each other once a month, we were lucky. This situation only compounded once I went away to school.
College was not the first time that I saw the type of man that I wanted for myself but, it certainly gave me opportunity to see a plethora of young men doing what my boyfriend had only talked about. (It wasn’t until 6 years into our relationship that I found out by accident that he had actually dropped out of school before we had met.) Although I loved my boyfriend, I craved something more out of my relationship with a man. So, after being committed to him that first year at school, I cheated on him with a man that I was attracted to in every way. My sophomore year of college, I had a relationship with a man that more so possessed the qualities that I look for in a man. He was living his own separate life at the time (including some infidelity) and decided to forgive me and stay.
At different intervals throughout our relationship, I’ve often found it easy to venture from him. I’d grown to expect him to be absent and had decided a long time ago that I would just settle for what I would get out of a relationship with him and get what else I needed elsewhere. Most recently, he was sent to prison for nearly two years and I cheated on him with an ex for a number of months.
My question: If I have always felt deprived and, thus, justified to step out of the relationship, is it fair to stay with him, even if he asks me to?
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