this is a letter i wrote to my T about some of the stuff she talked about in session last Monday. it is long so dont feel you really need to read it.i just wanted to get all this out of my head i dont even klnow if i will share it with her
it will sound strange because we have put colors to describe differnt parts of me i know strange but it works for me

8/16/11
Dear T,
I hope it is ok if I share some thoughts about the last session. I kept waking up all night with all this mess running through my head .I have a huge need to defend the part of me that we call RED.I think you see this part of me as some kind of monster that needs to be destroyed and this just isn’t true. I swear most times it is the part of me that we call pink that needs to be squashed out of existence. My head is screaming about all of this. It isn’t the part that is red that is bad it is pink. The part of me that is pink doesn’t allow me to cope with life. It is full of fear, anger, horrible memories, is selfish, spoiled, demanding and out of control. If you don’t think this part of me is strong you are so wrong. I see it in me every single day and it is completely pathetic and dangerous.
Now let’s look at red. This is the part of me that keeps me safe. Without this part everything would be total chaos. People would be hurt including me. This part knows that actions have consequences and the power of cause and effect. If you say stupid things people think you are stupid. When you do bad things, bad things happen.etc… Not only does it keep me safe it also keeps the people I care about safe for the most part. It keeps you safe. Although these beliefs tend to expand through most parts of my life it is probably easiest to understand them through the interactions between you and I. Remember when you talked about me needing to keep B a good person in my mind? It is the same for you. It isn’t the part of me that is pink that keeps you good it is the part that is red. If you ever did something slightly wrong the part that is pink would be horribly devastated (SO PATHETIC) so it is the part that is red that doesn’t even allow for the possibility of you to even make the smallest mistake. If I don’t say things that can hurt me you can’t hurt me. It doesn’t seem like I am explaining this well but I am trying. The part of me that is red knows that trust and expectations leads to disappointment and this leads to hurt anger and the part that is pink to be in control and complete chaos.
Example- one time you came downstairs to get me but for some reason you let me go upstairs first. I hated this. I can guarantee that the part that was pink was completely in charge. Nothing was the same, nothing seemed right. It didn’t feel safe and neither did you. I swear the room didn’t even look the same. You seemed so cold and hard. I could hardly move. I remember the week before sitting on the floor and drawing .I liked it, it felt good and safe. This day you asked the same thing if I wanted to sit on the floor and draw so I did but instead my head was filled with horrible thoughts. Now sitting on the floor was no longer safe that room wasn’t, nothing was right, total chaos. It took everything I had to come back the next week and it was the part that is red that made it possible to return. The trust I have that that part isn’t going to let that happen again. Isn’t going to let you be bad.
You see red isn’t the monster at all. It is the part that allows me to go to work, therapy and whatever I need to do without feeling like the world is going to annihilate me. It also keeps the part of me that is pink from acting like an idiot, hurting others, or hurting myself. I don’t see how any of this can be all that bad.if you look at both sides it is the part that is pink that causes all the problems and need to be squashed ,not the part that is read. Sorry for rambling on and on .i guess I can go on and on around in circles about this but in the end it is what is is.
Sorry so long
granite
thanks if you accually got through this novel