Thanks gus, the answer is pretty sad, are you sure you want to know?
I had no choice but to learn it, from age two.

I was the victim of an abused child. And I saw how he was abused and misunderstood and I saw the incredible pain he was in, an most likely is still in pain today from that past.
I saw this little boy endure so many terrible things and I saw all the emotions it caused in him.
I was very frightened of him and yet I truely felt sorry for him and somehow I understood when to run as I could see that he had reached a breaking point and there was no where to expell the incredible load of emotional pain other than on me.

And I was also controled by another sibling that hated him and had issues too.
I don't even know what the worst part was, because the bus ride every day was so tormenting and I just could not understand the amount of cruelty directed at my brother. As long as I live I will never forget the pain in his face an how much he struggled. I don't even know how I learned anything in school because I was always so frightened and my focus was not on learning but surviving getting to school and the ride home and then surviving the days when no one was there to protect me.

I always had this burning question of "WHY" and that was my quest. And I got to know every part of my family unit and as I did that I learned about the children within my parents who were abandoned, or raised in atmospheres where they were devalued and there was no real sense of being loved or knowing real safety.

Through my life I began to realize that for every person there was a child that struggled in some way. And most people go to great lengths to hide that because they are often secretly ashamed of it or they don't really understand it or recognize it.

I was a victim of abuse many times in my life and there were many times that I had to conceal it. And there were still many times I was left with trying to understand it. And there were many times still that I never saw it coming. And I began to realize that every single person was a puzzle and they were all different. And for some reason people shared things with me that were very deep and private that they never told anyone else. I dont know wether I had a gift or it was just that I stopped and listened, maybe both.

People have scared me to the depths of me and yet they have never ceased to facinate me.

And I worked with a lot of children too and I did that since I was 12 years old. I was the best babysitter and in high demand because I really paid attention to children and they liked the fact that I listened and took time to sing to them, read to them, entertain them and know them.

I know one of my big triggers is when children or adults join together and pick on someone. I do not like it and I would never participate in it so I never really joined a click even when I was asked. I have come across too many adults and children in my life that have been on the receiving end of that and I have seen a lot of needless pain. I have spent a lot of time with children, wonderful children that were picked on and it became a part of how I taught riding and every child had a long walk down my driveway and I would slowly pry away until I found the problem, and there was always some kind of struggle in every child.

The tolerance I have is that I took a lot of time to understand people. And everyone behaves the way they do for a reason. And it doesn't matter wether it is a doctor, dentist, lawyer, psychologist, blue collar, white collar, catholic, jewish, muslim, athiest, independantly spiritual, yellow, black, hispanic, puertorican, chinese, japanese, indian, portugese, or whatever, it is there. And if people are in a group and pick at others they learn NOTHING and they NEVER BUILD TOLERANCE INDEPENDANTLY. And yet for many people, they feel that if they are not in a group they are not worthy and there is so much language around that. It is always the same language too, "My pretend face", "I was laughed at for my idea", "I don't want to be around anyone anymore, I was never good enough, what is wrong with me, I failed, I give up."

A word "Ignore" means a lot now doesnt it?

Nothing in my life has ever effected me as much as coming to PC. There are so many lost children here in PC, all in one place that when I first came here I cried a lot. And I also knew when I came here "THAT I WAS ONE OF THEM".

I had lost my lesson business and I stepped into this big hole as I described earlier and this was one place that I looked for the reason and I also got to reach out like I did with the children, because I did miss that. And I exposed myself in a way I had never done before. And that included finding the courage to talk about many secrets that I had hid for many years.

Someone PM'd me today and asked how I was doing and said it seemed like I was doing better and that I was making more sense in my posts. And this person described my early posts like they were a locomotion of thoughts that were hard to follow. Yes, that is a very accurate description and how PTSD was effecting me and what was going on in my life outside PC.

Part of me was here, and part of me was very broken and frightened. And I know it is like that for others too, I can see it. So every single person that comes to PC "NEEDS SUPPORT" something is not right and "THEY ARE ASKING FOR HELP AND APPOLGIZING TOO".

And to each and every one of them "IGNORE" means something different.

And there is nothing that pleases me more as when I see someone I know is struggling find the courage and post. Or, if someone finds the courage to start a thread, and best of all, when someone says they feel better and they are glad they came here and THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU. And something that makes me ANGRY is when someone gets picked on and they are crying and asking why in a post, "That is a big trigger for me because it reminds me of that school bus and a little child that was tormented and badly abused for something that was never his fault." And I know that that child is still tormented to this day and truely struggles deep inside.

Open Eyes