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Aug 17, 2011, 03:05 PM
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Member Since: May 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 1,309
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Hi everyone,
Firstly, I have missed everyone here SO much! It was only when I received a PM from a member that I remembered how long I've been away from the depression boards.
Secondly, in exactly 11 days it is a whole YEAR since I last self harmed or attempted suicide!!! Go me! It's been a good year, a lot has happened, lots has been said and done and there have been ups, downs and a few in between moments.
But, once again I'm back and I'm struggling. Again! 
My ED is slowly sliding away so I'm coping quite well with that somehow, just struggling a lot with sleep and depression at the moment. I'm worried that my lack of eating a couple of weeks ago and my (too) slow re-feeding has caused me to become B12 deficient. I've had a B12 deficiency before and I felt tired and anxious a fair bit, but never this bad. It gets to around 9pm at night and I feel absolutely shattered.  Yet when I go to bed and try to sleep, I'm wide awake again, despite having taken my AD's and despite having a cup of tea/hot chocolate (low fat of course...  ), having a bath and reading before I finally settle down. I can hardly read by that point because I'm so tired, yet about an hour later I'm still struggling to sleep and starting to get quite upset.
I'm anxious at work that people are judging me and that I'm not making enough effort etc (I just started a new job so am training for 3 weeks), worried I'm not making a good enough impression.
2 days ago, I was reading my book to wind down a bit after having a particularly anxious few hours. My book is a very positive, inspiring one and always lifts my spirits, but for some unknown and quite frustrating reason, I just burst into tears and curled up in a ball crying. Just before I started that, David had started to come up the stairs but I hadn't heard him, then he came into the room to find me bawling my eyes out. The first thing he did was to say "Oh honeeeeeeey, what's wrong???  " and then he gathered me into his arms and just cuddled me for a while.
What could I say to him? Nothing. So I said nothing and shrugged, sobbing into his shoulder. He asked a few times what was on my mind and I just had no idea. All I could think about was how lonely I felt and how afraid I was of losing everything, how worried I was about moving forward with life, whether I'd actually make it or not. So, in the end I went to the bathroom to wash my face. David followed me which I'd hoped wouldn't happen because I wanted to just go in there and sob harder. Heh.
Right now, it's 8.45pm and already I'm feeling my eyes go heavy and my back start to feel tense and full of aches and pains. When I first started writing this post, I was feeling tearful. Now I'm on the brink of tears. Again, I have no idea why! It just seems to happen for no apparent reason at the worst of times. So now here I sit writing this, aching, trying to keep my eyes open, almost crying, thinking about how I need to make my lunch for tomorrow. All I can think of in answer to that is 'don't even bother eating, you ugly, fat, disgusting thing.' Great.
So much good stuff has happened recently, so many changes and now I just don't feel able to cope for some reason. I keep getting horrendous stomach cramps and just feel generally crap, but moreso emotionally than anything else.
I guess I came here looking for hugs and words of encouragement/support. I've been so close to breaking this year of no self harm/suicide but I really don't want to and it's getting harder to fight as the day draws nearer. Just wish I had someone who understood, right by my side to pick me up when I fall and struggle to get back up again.   I do that for every one of my friends, it would just be nice for someone to come along and offer a hand when I'm down, instead of kicking me.  
*sigh*  
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