I think it's really important to honor the part of us that protects ourselves. It's especially important when we grew up in families or have had other experiences where we should have been protected or been allowed to protect ourselves but it didn't work out that way. So I can see why you feel so strongly allied with your red parts. And the way you describe them, I think I have my own red parts too.

But I wonder...while it's always true that we have the right and responsibility to protect ourselves, where's the line between self-protection and over-protection (or something like that--I'm not coming up with the right description)? I mean, once we learn these behaviors that "don't allow" other people to "be bad," etc., they're really hard to undo. And it's hard to be selective when we experience all sorts of threats as equivalent. So, for example, my mother was neglectful and detached in all sorts of unhealthy ways and didn't take care of me. But now I've come to expect the same of my T. Only T isn't the same person, but I'm not letting myself have the experience of her as safe because I'm assuming it'll be the same as it was in childhood. And even if T did do something by mistake that wasn't entirely safe, she's still not the same person, and we might still be able to repair the relationship in ways that ultimately promoted health and connection. But unless I relax the red, I'm just not going to allow for that opportunity.

I wouldn't say the red is a "monster" (and I'm guessing your T wouldn't either). But even people and actions meant for protection don't always serve us only well.

Just my 2 cents. But does that help at all, Granite?

--2or3