I know I've posted this before but I just really needed to hear I'm not alone.

Due to mistrust of loved ones from the past I find I cannot sleep in the same bed as my S/O. I just have a lot of trouble with it. I have to sleep in a separate bedroom. If I am in the same bed as my S/O I can't "shut off." My body won't let go. I don't feel safe because I learned at a very early age the people you love can't be trusted. (My S/O is totally kind and caring so this isn't even an issue). I am just all nerves. Thing is... It makes my S/O so sad. I really really really really want to be able to sleep in the same bed. This is what normal couples do. My S/O has given me the space to sleep in another room. But now an odd thing is happening. My S/O's sibling is coming to visit and they have agreed that sharing a bed might be the best solution. (We have a small place and I have taken the guest room). I am not ready to give up my technical place next to my S/O to my S/O's sibling!!! I am ready to not sleep alone anymore. But I don't exactly know how. It's like my body has a mind of its own. Even though I feel relaxed some part of my is HYPER vigalent. Like my subconscious is saying, "Nope, can't fall asleep - gotta stay safe." Then when I'm alone with the door shut I have no trouble falling right to sleep. Ugg.