I'm really sorry that your are struggling and that life is so hard. This website can be a help: a place to talk to other people and to get good advice, but it is not a miracle cure, I really hope that it can still help you. I'm really sorry that you are in pain right now, but please remember that it will get better, it always does with BP, the depression will go away. Is there someone in real life that can help you, your pdoc or
T? Please get some help.