Deb,

The first time that I read your post I had to ask myself why we have this need to ask the question about whether what someone is doing to us is considered abuse. I keep asking that in my own life, and I ask it about things in my past too. What is it that you are looking for when you ask that question? If someone else described the same things that you are describing to us, what would you tell them?

I think that when I ask that, I'm looking for (1) validation that my feelings are legitimate and that I really do and can feel hurt, even by someone who is supposed to love me, and (2) permission to stand up for myself against the things that are happening to me that I don't like. The problem in asking others for that validation and permission is that when we ask someone else, then we give them the opportunity to deny it to us. Do you see what is wrong with that? Your feelings are already yours. Don't you feel disappointed/angry/humiliated etc. when your father acts that way? How you feel is how you feel, and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. And you also have the right not to be treated that way. You can refuse to take his calls or let him visit. At home it might be harder, but could you tell him that you will not listen to it, and leave the room, or leave the house? Is there anyone you could call for backup if needed?

Feel free to tell me to take my own advice. I'm working on this myself. I'm too good at being a victim.

Tomi, yes, therapists are required to report abuse, but it isn't really that simple. DCFS can come in and investigate, but the truth is that verbal/emotional abuse is hard to prove, and so is physical abuse a lot of the time. They are required to investigate a report, but they still might not be able to do much, and might just make things worse for the victim. I'm not clear enough on how much evidence someone needs to have in order to make a report. I've reported things to DCFS and seen no improvement for the child, so now I'm questioning whether it did any good or just made things worse. I could tend to be hypervigilent if I allowed myself, but I don't think it would help anyone. Of course abuse is a bad thing and it should be stopped, and nobody deserves to be abused. Still, although it is never the victim's fault, sometimes the best way to help is to teach the victim what they can do about it themselves. Of course that only works if there is something they can do. It probably wouldn't work in the case of young children, for example, but for someone like Deb, who is able to reach out for help and understanding here, she probably can do some things to help herself. Right, Deb?

Take Care,
Rap