I also want to hide from my family very often...I drink to take the edge off. I love reisling wine. I have had the tree trunk legs and often feel as though I carry one demon on my back, and am fighting another inside of me. The cycles suck. Mine come at very least every two weeks and lately I'm more on the depressed side rather than the manic side...boy I miss mania. Sigh....Here has helped me quite a great deal. It helps to know others go threw the same things, and struggle with the same things. You gotta call you're psychiatrist...sounds like you need to switch meds, or upgrade. I was on lexapro when I was really heavy like you...now I'm on pristiq...it's better. I can still break through with the depression...but they are going to add albilify. We're all a work in progress, and it just keeps going. Sometimes learning to accept that helps with knowing things aren't forever. Much love to you hon...I know what that place feels like.