Its so strange how your life can flip around in 1 second you can go from being on top of the world to falling so far you will wonder if you will ever stop falling. I seem to have reached a point in my life where I knew things had to change or my life would just remain the same.

I started to look at the various aspects of my life and what caused the damage in my relationships, in my head, but I also tried to look at some of the nicer aspects of my personality (Gotta say I didnt find much and I looked pretty hard) I started to notice how indifferent I could be or how cold I was, it was never intentional to be that way maybe its something about my childhood. A friend told me recently that I had to learn to accept affection and how to show it, but that it can be hard if you have never been taught to express or accept them. And my friend was right, its damn hard to change the habits of lifetime.

I have been under a lot of pressure lately, having health problems and realising what a mess my personal life was, now one of my biggest issues is that I have been a pot smoker for years, and when I say years I dont mean 2 or 3 I mean I guess about 15 or 16 years, so first order of business was to stop that, and I have done, its been hard but I did it and I did it for the right reasons. I know some people will be reading this going omg have this guy ever heard of crack addiction, and yes I have but pot was my safety barrier for years, Ive never been one for over the counter meds. So phase 1 was a sucess and I was gaining a little more confidence, so time for phase 2. Phase 2 was a little harder because it required me to really examine myself and my relationships, and nobody really likes that but I read that the best way to deal is to address the problems head on. So i dived right on into my own head and had a good look around for the roots of my issues (troubled childhood), as It turns out I have HUGE abandonment issues, which seem to be at the centre of everything, I realised I fear everyone will leave me, its what happens sooner or later, In an effort to avoid that inenviable disapointment Id either throw myself right in or pull myself away, 1 extreme or the other.

Which leads me right up to the big problem in my life, Relationships. I deal wiht my feelings incredibly badly. Once my feelings kick in its like all logic and reason go out of the window, I tried to lock all these feelings away in a little room at the back of my mind but its not healthy or productive. Ive been wanting to try and repair whats left of my personal life, over the last 3 years of my life Ive been so self destructive, burning bridges, and making mistakes. I was recently presented with not 1 but 2 opportunites to approach past mistakes Id made and try to rectify the damage. As it stands, I messed it up yet again, I did nothing more than torture myself and and hurt someone very close to me. I was so pleased with myself thinking I was managing my feelings well, letting go of the anger of the pain and hate, for me those feelings were always a shield, they would keep me safe and protect me, they stopped people from getting inside they stopped people from hurting me. wihtout that I feel bare and Im starting to feel that my range of emotions is just making me unloveable.

Right now I feel more alone than I ever have done in my life, Im losing friends left right and centre. Everyday I see my life become a little emptier, and all I want is for someone to care.