thank you all for your responses. i'm not trying to start a feud for sure. i appreciate so much every one of your responses. i want to respond individually to you all but i want to make sure my responses don't get taken the wrong way at the same time.

i guess it is more of a realization for me that i keep myself guarded at all times? kd is also correct in saying it may simply be the lack of safeness of my environment at this moment.

hmm, well, i typed several parts of sentences only to erase them again. i struggle with feeling safe in general i think.

i guess the facts are that my brain was compartmentalized from a very young age and because of this there are parts that might know what it is like to scribble on a page with a crayon. but me, as an adult, i am unable to buy the paper in the event that i might end up scribbling on a page with a crayon. does that make any sense? i don't even know. i need to think about this some more before i respond perhaps. i struggle with putting down what is in my brain about this at this time.

i appreciate all your responses as i figure this out. thank you so much.