Or just normal. I am 39 and boy they aren 't lying when they say sex drive kicks in for women at this age, unfortunately so did memories of sexual abuse flashbacks and body memories come with it. I have a lot of sexual issues that I am being forced to face andadmit that I am frightened. Trying to sort all of this abuse stuff out while also facing possibility of being bi sexual first time really facing that possibility head on and it is truly terrifying to deal with all of this clean , even tho the onlyh drugs i've ever used have been sleeping pills and xanax, but it got bad many times in my life where I wasn't trying to end it, but just to stay numb and i basically popped more pills everytime I woke up sadly it ended up having to be more and more at once to have the same effect that one used to hve and I was so frghtened, I beat a bad addiction to xanax and will not accept that medication for anything. OMG I am really rambling here, opening up more than I EVER have without disocciating and its kinda scary to me but anyays, the reason I am wreiting has to do with last night ,I have known a guy in my life for over ten years, he was introduced to me from a nother friend hoping it would help me get past a traumatic relationship full of all kinds of abuse that I am just now accepting as abusive and this guy despite all of his feelings for me that were not able to be returned has remained my friend there for me through it all, texted me daily long conversations to help me with my depression and despair , even sexted (*texted lol) as that felt relatively safe. I am here today in large part because of him consistently being there for me setting aside his own feelings for me to help me through my pain. I am so grateful anyways, through th years he has wanted me to send him a picture of me and even playon the web cam with him something I am very uncomfortable with, kind of hard to hide and be invisible on web cam, but I did playi a bit on the cam by myself taking pictures nothing too bad just some sexy poses in lingerie with thehopes of being able to share one with him as i feel he is a dear friend who has helped mea lot and its just something I wanted to share with him so I finally sent him one through Yahoo messenger and was able to get instant feedback from him about how I looked which again really healed me a little bit, was that disgusting what I did? Its not a bad picture, its quite beautiful actually. I feel a little happy that I was able to show him how much I actually do trust him and yet feel a little frightened by my behavior ty for listening.