Roman, please don't feel like you need to type more than you are comfortable with. Certainly don't get to the point where you are mentally reliving it. I feel like I can relate to the point where your fiance went further with these girls than with you. While we had had sex before the cheating, we were able to both say that neither of us had been with anyone else. Losing that hurt me a lot and no matter how much better we do in the future I know that we can never get that back. Personally I wouldn't have had a problem if he had partners before our relationship, I didn't go out looking for that "onlies" situation. But that's what we had and I loved it. When he told me one of the things he tried to say was that it wasn't good/I was better. That outraged me and I told him to never to compare anything between us. In my mind, he shouldn't be able to compare us; he shouldn't have anyone to compare against because I don't have anyone to compare him against. Then I would go into the self defeating "well there's no way I'm good at this because I have 0 experience with anyone but him and now that he has experience he knows. Now this girl was pretty drunk and I like to think that she was drunk to the point that she did suck.

I also understand viewing the worst case possible. Hence my lack of belief that he had intended to just get gas. Also in January, I found some online things that bothered me. He had an online account where he was listed as single. I didn't know anyone on his friends list and most of them were girls. There was a lot of "hun" and other such nicknames. I had a friend go undercover with an account to spy. She was in a chat with him and he said some hurtful things. Not intended directly at me but things that are personal and about me. This day was the day before we were going to a concert for HIS favourite band. I got the tickets the DAY BEFORE because when they went onsale we didnt have the money and they were way to expensive on ebay after they sold out. I had a friend who was selling two. I got them for him. He was talking about it online and my friend prodded to know who he was going with (knowing he was listed as single but had a gf). He said "just a friend of mine" That hurt. Yes, were friends but not JUST friends. fdkjshadf Then he indirectly complained about something similar to your bf. He said he loves to x when really I just think it's weird (sex thing and tmi for me to type out). That pissed me off. I found out that one of the girls he had webcam-ed with. He to this day swears that it was all platonic but, worst case scenario I can't accept that. He texts this girl and I remember one day we went out for breakfast and he told me about this dream he had about us. Guess who he also had this same dream about during the same night. ARgg, the reason they stopped webcamming was because she got back together with her bf. Does that not allude to the fact that there was something that they were doing that another person in a relationship wouldn't like? Oh and the reason this girl and my bf were allowed to keep talking in chat (according to girl's bf) was because she told her bf that my bf was gay. (I had to snicker when I found that out)

I understand not telling people because everyone believes that they would never stay with someone who cheated on them. What they don't realize is that when my bf told me, I didn't stop loving him. As much as I desperately wanted to in that moment, I couldn't.

I'm finding it difficult to bring up how I've been feeling with him. Mostly because of my personal issues. I hate talking face to face about things that make me vulnerable. It's always been something I struggle with. But I have told him that I would like to spend the day with him on the 24th. We might go to the zoo because he's been asking about that. I know I should tell him what's going on, I don't think he sees the significance the day has to me.

Thanks again for listening